


Under Construction

by ChasingFrames (chasethegoal)



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-10
Updated: 2011-04-10
Packaged: 2017-10-17 21:36:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/181400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasethegoal/pseuds/ChasingFrames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not like everything goes back to normal as soon as you get back home. It's not like it even can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It took the Enterprise over a week to limp back to Earth, and there was an audible sigh of relief on the bridge as Hikaru began to maneuver them into spacedock. The sight of Earth, whole and safe, was more than welcome. Spacedock locked onto the Enterprise and took over; Hikaru leaned back in his chair, hands off the controls, as they were guided into place.

There was a long pause, almost reverent, before Kirk gave the order to begin disembarking. Kirk waited until the non-essential had left the bridge before swinging around in his chair. "Last order of business, per Captain Pike's request, is to remind everyone to, I quote, 'keep calm and carry on.'"

Hikaru smirked at him, his chair tipped back, and Kirk shrugged back. They'd taken time after a recent shift to make sure they were all clear on some of the details they were going to smudge during debriefings, mostly so a couple of them would be able to keep their jobs.

Mild chit-chat broke out as they waited. Hikaru glanced at Chekov, who was resolutely not making eye contact with anyone. "Where are you going after this?"

Chekov looked uncomfortable, and hesitated before replying. "I only arrived a few weeks ago, from the conservatory. I've been in the international dorms." It wasn't exactly a yes; Hikaru could hear the reluctance to go back loud and clear.

"Roommate?"

"On the _Newton_."

He managed not to cringe. The knowledge that so many were gone hovered in the back of his mind, and he tried to keep it there whenever he could. "I'm sorry."

Chekov shrugged. "Thank you."

It was such a weak condolence, but it was all he had to give. Though once they had lapsed back into silence, he realized it might not be. He would have to wait until they were dirtside, just to be sure, but there was a chance he could fix this.

He got more antsy the longer they waited. Finally, finally, they were called to the transporter room. They were the last handful on board — the officers only left once their crew had. Hikaru was in the first of two groups, shoulder-to-shoulder with Uhura and Chekov; the crazy scott that had saved them all behind the controls. "See you dirtside," he said with a giant grin.

For a long moment, none of them existed.

They rematerialized on a transporter pad in a remote part of the 'fleet headquarters. Hikaru recognized it immediately — he had grown up within sight of the complex, though he had never been in this room before. Never had reason to.

Uhura grabbed his wrist as he stepped off the pad. "Let's wait for them."

He nodded without thinking, and noticed a moment later that no one else left, either. They all hovered around the pad — himself, Chekov, the doctor, Uhura — and waited for the second group.

Kirk, Spock, and the crazy engineer emerged after a long moment. Kirk grinned broadly at them as he stepped off. "Waiting for us? You shouldn't have!"

The doctor rolled his eyes so hard Hikaru thought they would actually come loose. "Do you ever shut up? I swear."

Hikaru forced himself not to laugh at that — he knew for a fact that James Kirk didn't. They walked in a loose pack down the short corridor — oddly deserted, really, but it might just be him — and through a pair of doors.

And into the biggest ruckus he had ever seen in his life.

There wasn't any press; he wasn't sure exactly what had happened, but it had involved a heated argument in the captain's ready room, and was the only time Captain Pike had been called upon for anything official since being entered into sickbay. However it had come to be, the only people waiting for them were Starfleet escorts and a gaggle of worried family members.

Enough that he had almost missed his mother, a head shorter than him, as she swooped in from the side. "My Hikaru," she said, patting her hands over him, and then wrapping both arms around his middle. "I'm never letting you out of my sight again."

It was meant as a joke, but somehow he thought he wouldn't mind if she was true to her word. He wrapped his arms around her in return, and didn't move for a few long minutes. There had been moments, freefalling toward the face of an alien planet or watching as the hull began to crack under the strain, where he'd thought he'd never get to do this. If the only girl he had to come home to was his mother, it was enough for him — Hikaru had never been much for what other people thought.

From his father he received a warm, if much more brief hug, as well as a firm handshake. His eyes shone like he wanted to say something, but his mouth remained shut.

Chekov was hovering near the door they had entered through, and he definitely looked lost. Hikaru tugged his mother's arm. "Mom, can we take him home?" He nudged his chin toward Chekov, hoping she saw him.

She squinted, then blinked. "He was on the ship? Hikaru, he's just a boy."

"He doesn't have anywhere to go." A tiny fib, but not one he thought his mother would argue over if she knew the truth.

"He's coming with us, Hikaru," she said. Her voice boded no disagreements; like she had had the idea herself.

He crossed the space between them, and couldn't help but grin. He managed to sneak up on Chekov, who jumped a little when Hikaru tapped his shoulder. "Come home with me, we'll give you a bed."

Chekov looked like he wanted to, but shook his head. "I would not impose on your time with your parents."

"It's not imposing if we've invited you. Come get some sleep and a good meal." He paused, studying Chekov's face. "If you'd rather be alone, it's okay. Just tell me."

Chekov shook his head. "No, okay. I'll come." He had blanched a little at the suggestion of being alone.

Hikaru led him to his parents. Chekov introduced himself as Pavel, and thanked Mama Sulu more times than Hikaru could count.

Jim made his way through the crowd to them, and looked a little shocked when Mama Sulu pulled him into a tight hug. Jim winced a little, and muttered something about his ribs, but there was a hitch of a laugh at the end of the sentence.

"I'm sorry," she said, releasing him with a pat on the shoulder.

Jim grinned at her, big and open. "Ma'am, I just want you to know that it's been an honor serving with your son."

His mama beamed.

Jim broke away and wrapped an arm around Chekov. "You've done a great job too," he said, so soft Hikaru barely heard. Hikaru looked away, pretending he couldn't hear it at all. "Got a place to go?" Jim asked.

"With Mr. Sulu," Chekov replied, and he sounded a little relieved that he had one this time.

They spoke softly for a few minutes after that, and Hikaru made it a point to speak to his father until they were done. Jim gave Chekov a hearty pat when they were done, and continued his circuit around the room. For a moment, Chekov looked lost, like Jim had hit a nerve, but recovered quickly.

They remained for a few minutes more, until Mama herded them toward the door. They both shed their cadet jackets, stuffing them into a duffle bag in a weak attempt to keep from being harassed on the streets. Pavel looked even tinier in just his undershirt, if it was possible.

They both coughed in the city air, cold and dirty compared to the precise environmental controls aboard the Enterprise. It was a short walk, only three blocks from Starfleet Academy to the home of four generations of Sulus. It was small, but it was home. Hikaru fumbled the door open and grinned over his shoulder at Chekov. He wanted to make a smart comment about being home, but resisted; Chekov wasn't home by any means.

Papa Sulu took their bag of clothes, along with a bundle of blankets for Chekov's bed. Mama herded them to the kitchen's tiny table. "You're not a vegetarian, are you dear?" she asked as she began pulling ingredients from a shelf.

Chekov looked appalled at the very idea. "Nothing so silly," he said, and then added, "M'am," as if he was unsure.

"Mama works," she said.

He smiled at her, but Hikaru didn't miss the tightness around the edges. It was strange, but they were all tense right now. It would pass.

Hikaru leaned his head on his folded arms and dozed for a long time, waking only occasionally when the table wiggled, or someone's voice rose. It was a struggle to lift his head even when the enticing smell of his mother's cooking was placed almost beneath his nose.

"Hikaru, sit up and eat. As soon as you're done you can sleep."

Hikaru grumbled under his breath, but pulled himself up. A bowl steamed before him, of hot rice and green vegetables, with hunks of meat that had been quickly browned in a pan. It was simple, but healthy and hardy. He ate slowly, and smirked at Chekov, who cleaned his bowl in record time.

Hikaru couldn't convince himself to clean his entire bowl, as much as he wanted to. His stomach ached already. He pushed the bowl away, and shrugged when his mother raised an eyebrow at it. She took it without comment. "Go get some sleep, both of you," she said sweetly.

Hikaru mumbled a good-night, and led Chekov to the stares. He took a moment to size them up. As many times as he had climbed them, tonight they seemed daunting.

Chekov wrapped a wiry arm around him and met his eyes. "Up!"

Hikaru laughed at him a little bit, but let the tiny boy half-drag him up the stairs. They stumbled in the doorway of Hikaru's room. Where normally the bed was lofted, the lower bunk had been snapped into place and made up by his father, and the desk that normally sat in its place pushed aside. "Your bunk," Hikaru said, waving a hand at it.

"You and your parents are so kind," Chekov said, looking away.

"You saved my life," Hikaru said. "They don't know it, but they'd be even crazier about you if they did."

Chekov ducked his head. "Is nothing important."

"Nothing important?" Hikaru shook his head in confusion. "You're a character, Chekov."

"If I am sleeping in your room, perhaps you should call me Pavel."

Hikaru lurched toward the beds. "Get some sleep, Pavel." He was able to muster enough strength to pull himself into the top bunk, where he slept almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.

* * *

Pavel did not sleep.

He wanted to, but his mind hadn't caught up to his body's need for rest. And somehow he was here, instead of drinking it off in his own quarters, or in the little bar he'd managed to get into now and then. He'd been given a meal and a bed, instead, and it felt terrible to wish he was anywhere else.

He traced the shapes of constellations over his sheets, and recited the Fibonacci sequence until he couldn't focus on it anymore.

There was a dull ache in his chest, and he rolled on his stomach in an attempt to ease it. If possible, it made it worse. He could spend the rest of the night like this, and not sleep for a moment. He had done it before, and it wasn't an experience he particularly wanted to repeat.

Or, he could run.

He debated the situation for a few long moments, unsure whether his idea was wise, but finally decided it was the best thing to do. He rolled out of bed as quietly as he could, and dug through his duffle for sweatpants. His running shoes were on top, and slipping into them felt like coming home.

* * *

Hikaru woke to find Pavel gone.

His duffle was open on his bunk, which meant he hadn't gone far. Hikaru rubbed at his eyes and stumbled into the hall. He didn't hear anything from downstairs, and assumed his parents were still asleep. He relieved himself and washed his face, slowly feeling more human. The chrono said 0627.

He tiptoed down the stairs, avoiding the creaky parts, and checked the kitchen. No Pavel. He forced himself to think clearly for a moment. Given all they had been through, there was no real reason to worry. Pavel could survive an early morning walk, wherever he'd gone.

Hikaru pulled himself back up the stairs and into bed. Ten minutes later, while he was still struggling to go back to sleep, he heard the tell-tale creak of the stairs. Pavel returned, kicking his shoes off near the door. Hikaru couldn't see well, but heard rustling. "Where'd you run off to?" he asked. He was surprised at how thick his voice sounded.

The movement stilled, like he'd been startled. A long moment stretched. "Just running. Sorry."

"Don't worry about it, I just wondered. You didn't wake me up." He yawned, jaw cracking. "How are you not exhausted?"

"I am, but I can't sleep," Pavel said. "Running is simpler. Need a shower, though."

Hikaru mumbled something agreeable. He heard Pavel beat feet for the bathroom, then the hum of water. He left a faint scent of sweat in his wake, and Hikaru breathed it in without thought. A kid who goes running at all hours. There were weirder things.

Pavel returned before long, and the bed jiggled as his weight was added. Silence reigned, but stillness never came.

"Hikaru?"

He hummed in response.

The huff of a sigh. "Do we get to forget all of this ever?"

Hikaru shuffled and leaned over the side of his bunk. He could vaguely see Pavel in the dim light, his eyes shining. "It'll get better," he said; the best answer he had.

Pavel nodded, rubbed at his nose. "I thought it'd be better once we got back." There was a hitch in his breath.

"It has to get better." Hikaru wished he had a better answer, or the right thing to say. He draped his arm down, offering his hand. Pavel took it and squeezed tightly. The contact revealed what hadn't been apparent just from looking; Pavel was shaking.

Hikaru didn't have to think about it. He tugged on Pavel's hand. "Come up here." He wasn't good at talking, but he could give this.

Pavel scrambled up into his bunk. It was a tight fit, and Hikaru was going to laugh his ass off if they tipped the whole thing over, but they pressed close while Pavel shook. He hid his face in Hikaru's chest.

It was a long few minutes before Pavel stopped, knuckles white where he clenched Hikaru's shirt. "Don't say you're sorry," Hikaru muttered.

Pavel's hands unclenched, and he shuffled a little so they could lay side-by-side without risking obscenity. "Thank you," Pavel said, though it still sounded more like an apology.

Hikaru didn't have the energy to argue. He smoothed a hand through Pavel's curls.

"How are you not hurting?" Pavel asked, but there was no hint of meanness in his tone, despite his words. Just open curiosity.

"I will be," he said, and it was the truth. "Right now I'm too tired to even think right." Drained. He could only imagine how Kirk or Spock felt, if he felt like this.

Pavel traced a line down the bridge of Hikaru's nose with one finger, letting it tip and fall off of the end. "Will your mother be angry if we sleep in?"

Hikaru snorted. "Not a bit."


	2. Chapter 2

Of course, neither of them ended up sleeping.

Hikaru stayed mashed against the wall, the back bar of the bunk digging into his spine, while Pavel dozed against his chest off and on. It was tense and uncomfortable for both of them, and the bed wobbled dangerously when they tried to shift. He didn't kick Pavel out, though, and Pavel didn't leave.

At 0930 his mother came knocking, and they both gave up. Pavel hopped down, and while the movement tipped the bed it didn't fall. Hikaru laid flat on his back a moment in an attempt to straighten his back out, but it was doomed for the moment. Luckily, he didn't see anything too strenuous in the near future.

Hikaru stole the opportunity for a shower, though it didn't help his back either. A tight spot nagged right in the middle, and nothing seemed to shake it. He half-limped downstairs to breakfast, and was relieved when sitting dulled it.

"You look good and sour," Mama said.

"My back's killing me." He made to lean on the table, but she blocked him with a hand and placed a bowl of granola with blueberries in front of him. Hikaru stared at it for a moment, completely uncomprehending, and then blinked.

He was _famished_.

Pavel blinked over the table at him as he wolfed the food down. The ship's artificial light had made them all seem pale and tired, but the morning sun wasn't helping. Half-moons like bruises under Pavel's eyes made everything about him seem tight and tense. His lips curled at the edges, but there was nothing behind them. "You're going to give yourself a bellyache."

"You're going to starve. Eat!"

Pavel picked at his granola. He ate slowly, like it was a chore, his thin hands actually shaking where they clenched his spoon. Hikaru set his spoon down and leaned forward. "Are you okay?"

Pavel shrugged. "I take medication in the morning, it makes me sick at first."

"There's a head right around the corner if you need it."

He nodded. "I think I'm okay, thank you."

Hikaru honestly didn't think he was okay at all, but went back to eating and didn't push. Pavel gave up after two small spoonfuls, and mumbled an apology to Mama.

She patted his cheek and insisted it was no trouble. Hikaru polished off his own bowl, then leaned back in his chair to stretch.

His father, a man broader than Hikaru but grayer around the temples, brushed through the kitchen. He paused to kiss his wife, then to clap Hikaru on the shoulder. He and Mama were opposites in all of the outward ways; he was quiet, stiff, and rarely touched deliberately. He had an eye for talents, though, and for what a person needed even when oneself wasn't sure. And in the important ways, they were just alike — peaceful people, like still waters.

If they were still waters, Pavel was the fawn come to drink, trembling and nervous.

Hikaru dragged him back upstairs for another attempt at sleeping, but paused On each of their pillows was perched a tiny origami crane, one yellow, one blue. Pavel stared at his, — blue — as if unsure, lightly touching it with bony fingers.

"Honor and loyalty," Hikaru said by way of explanation. "And luck. Dad makes them."

Pavel's lips curled in a real smile this time. "They are lovely."

There was a reason behind them, Hikaru was sure, but he couldn't think of what it could be, unless — oh.

He'd been making them while Hikaru was gone.

He sat on the edge of the bed and studied it for a moment. If it was unfolded, there'd be a tiny signature in the fold that turned into the bottom of a wing. He set it on top of a book on the desk, facing the bed, so he could study it from where he lay. Pavel set his next to it.

That haunted look was back.

Hikaru wanted to do something about that, but didn't know what he could. He clapped a hand on Pavel's shoulder and offered what he hoped was a cheerful smile. "My parents like you."

It helped a little. "Thank you so very much for letting me stay."

"Like my mom would have turned you away once she laid eyes on you. You're very welcome, don't worry."

An alarm on Pavel's chrono bleeped, sending Hikaru's stomach sinking. They had an hour before they had to be back at Starfleet headquarters for their press rendezvous.

Pavel shut his eyes like he was counting to ten, then went to shut the alarm off. "I wish they would leave us alone, after all of this."

"They can't, it's not in their nature." He went to his closet, and started to dig out a clean uniform. His cadet reds seemed stiff and tight after wearing command gold.

Pavel did the same, digging through his duffle. There was a small, sudden hum of surprise, and then the clink of glass. "For our nerves. Is my lucky day, yes?" In his hand were two small bottles — probably vodka, clear, their labels in Russian.

Pavel didn't push too hard, but Hikaru didn't put up much of a fight, either. The vodka burned tears into his eyes and Pavel patted him on the shoulder when he coughed. Pavel took a sizable sip, then tucked the bottle away once more.

Warmth bloomed in Hikaru's stomach as he finished dressing. One of their better ideas so far, he had to admit.

* * *

  
Once upon a time, Pavel and his mother had watched the news holovids together. He couldn't remember now what the occasion was, but a camera was pressed in the face of a pained-looking woman whose mascara was already smeared with grief. His mother had flicked the holo off, growling, "damn vultures" with more heat than he'd ever heard from her before.

The sight of Uhura, teary-eyed and hovering near Spock's shoulder, sparked a bonfire of righteous anger in his chest. They shouldn't have to be here, with flashes blinding them and Starfleet's publicists on hand to make sure they kept in line. He had learned that the world wasn't fair, but this was unnecessarily cruel.

They didn't have to answer questions, which was the only small mercy. Their job was to smile for the camera, and look the part of proud officers. As long as Starfleet's image was left shining, no one cared what happened to them.

And _that_ was what made Pavel angry.

It was all he could do not to kick something, if he was honest about it. He didn't smile for the cameras, though he noted he wasn't the only one. A lot of the attention went to Kirk, who looked like he was trying to suck up as much of it as possible. At first it looked like arrogance, until he saw Kirk put himself between a particularly nosey reporter and Commander Spock.

Some of his anger seeped away with the knowledge that some people understood. His chest still felt tight with heat, though, and he wanted to run until it loosened.

The speech they had to stand through was short, thankfully, and Pavel didn't hear a word, his mind tracing the lines of mathematics in silence, trying to keep him anywhere but right here, right now. There was peace in the certainty of numbers, where this was a feeble, weak existence. He'd understood that from the start. He just hadn't expected it to be driven home so deeply.

At last, they were free. He latched onto Hikaru's side as they dodged reporters on their way home. Kirk winked at them and saluted as they left, and Hikaru saluted in return. Like they both knew something no one else did.

Pavel didn't dare speak with so many around them, watching their every move, but he wanted to desperately. He wanted to know he wasn't the only one who saw how incredibly wrong this was, how they were being used.

At last, they were able to break away, and Hikaru spoke before he could. "I never want to do this again."

"Is inhuman, is it not?" he spat on the ground, but a good portion of his rage was gone, and what was left did not translate well into Standard. "And you know they will not stop. There is only so much Starfleet can do to control them."

Hikaru stopped to lean against a wall. "Don't — just, let's not think about it. There's nothing we can do."

Pavel stared at him. "It does not bother you?"

"It _does_ , trust me, I don't want my life invaded by them. But . . . Pavel, what would you have us do? As long as we're in public, we won't be safe. All we can do is hope they get bored quickly." He looked like he wanted to add something else, but left it at that.

Pavel forced himself to breathe evenly for a long minute, and counted slowly to ten. "You're right, of course."

"I don't blame you for being mad." He pushed away from the wall again, and led Pavel through the streets toward his home. "I'm partially just too tired to care."

Pavel bit his lips to keep them shut. The back of the tiny Sulu home rose before them, and he was never so glad to see a place, even if it wasn't his home. He wished he had found somewhere else to stay before his name was released to the press, because now it would be harder, but there simply had not been time.

Dinner was simmering on the stove already; Pavel's mouth watered instantly at the smell. Mrs. Sulu — he couldn't bring himself to call her mama, no matter how sweet she seemed — jabbed a spoon in their direction. "Shoes off. Pavel, Yuu wants to see you."

Yuu, Hikaru's father, was broad-shouldered and stiff, and didn't carry the same easy grace as his wife. Still, he smiled at Pavel, which was more than he had expected. "What are your plans?"

Pavel shifted his weight; he had not expected this. "I will find somewhere to go tomorrow, Mr. Sulu, please forgive. I have not had time. I am so very grateful —"

"There's no need for you to find somewhere." He waved Pavel to sit, and he plopped into a chair awkwardly. "Hikaru and I will take you to collect the rest of your things in the morning."

Pavel blinked at him, and felt like a child. "Sir, I don't want to inconvenience your family in any way. You have been very kind —"

"And it is a grave insult to refuse hospitality." There was nothing harsh in his voice; rather, he smiled again. "If you really want to go, I won't stop you, but you'll explain it to Mrs. Sulu yourself."

The thought of insulting Mrs. Sulu actually made Pavel's heart sting. He resigned himself to staying — not that it was a terrible trouble, but the guilt of imposing weighed heavily on him. "Thank you, sir."

* * *

  
Hikaru hadn't thought he'd be so relieved that Pavel was staying. Knowing he was not alone was somehow a greater relief than anything else. His parents cared, but it wasn't quite the same as knowing that someone else understood, without being told.

Pavel wolfed down his dinner like a starving man, though he only poked at the shrimp. "Not a big fan of seafood?"

"Have never tried it," Pavel admitted.

Hikaru blinked. "How . . . ?"

Pavel gave him a look like he was being dense on purpose. "Hikaru, there are not so many coasts in Siberia, yes?"

Mama tittered at him, and he rolled his eyes. "Try it, it's good." He couldn't imagine a world without fish, shrimp, the sea itself. It had always been the sea or the sky for him, and there had been times where he'd doubted his decision.

Pavel shook his head, and smiled like he was trying to humor Hikaru. "When I make you _okroshka_ , then I try your shrimp."

He rolled his eyes and didn't ask what _okroshka_ was, because he was sure he didn't want to know. Mama was obviously amused at both of them.

"What I don't understand, is how you catch the shrimp," Pavel said through a mouthful.

"Really tiny hooks."

For a split second, it looked like Pavel was actually going to buy into it. But Hikaru couldn't hold his face straight, and Pavel squinted at him, like he'd been betrayed. "Liar!"

"We use human hair for bait. They get vicious when they smell humans, Pavel, you have no idea!"

That earned him a wadded napkin to the face. He threw it back with a little too much force, and they both got still for a moment, glancing between his parents.

Mama rolled her eyes, and his face hurt from grinning.


	3. Chapter 3

He wasn't sure if he was supposed to be relieved or furious that someone had come in and cleaned out his roommate's belongings. But they were gone, that entire side of the room stripped, and it made gathering his own things go faster than he'd imagined. Everything he owned fit in a big backpack, borrowed from Mr. Sulu, with room to spare. He'd run away with less than this to begin with, and had purposely kept his life as streamlined as possible. The things he kept mattered -- the ring he couldn't wear with his uniform, the old paper journals, the holo. Everything else he could stand to part with, but not these.

He stood in the doorway for a long moment before he finally left, staring at a room that had never really been his. It was time to move on.

With the Sulus, he worked hard to earn his keep. He cleaned, and proved he could cook. And he and Hikaru, unknown to anyone else, kept ending up in the same bed.

It wasn't like they meant to, and it wasn't every night, but he slept better with that heavy, warm weight next to him. The second time had been an accident, drifting off together during a card game. After that, though, he started to wonder if they were both making excuses to try to make it happen.

He ran a lot, to keep from thinking, and pushed himself until his muscles ached.

The Sunday before debriefings began, he walked to the market, and had a pot of his mother's soup started before lunch. Hikaru joined him in the kitchen after a while, the tips of his hair damp from a shower. He blinked at the huge pot, left to simmer. "Busy morning?"

"You could say. Point me toward the milk, Hikaru." Pavel poked through the 'fridge unit, almost aimless.

"In the door. We only have rice milk, Dad can't have normal."

Pavel found the carton and wrinkled his nose at it. "Rice milk?"

"It tastes the same, try it," Hikaru said. He peeked under the lid of the pot. "Soup?"

"Good, hardy food to keep you on your feet during debriefings. Is my mother's recipe."

Hikaru leaned against the counter. "Have you called her yet? I bet she's worried." He looked like he wasn't sure if he should ask.

Pavel prodded the soup with a long spoon for a moment. "She died before I entered the conservatory."

Hikaru looked like he'd done something terrible. "I'm so sorry, Pavel."

"You didn't know." Pavel shrugged, and hoped he'd drop it.

No such luck. "Can I ask what happened?"

Pavel shrugged again. He didn't want to talk about it, if he was honest, ever again. But Hikaru was the first person to ask if he wanted to, rather than demanding answers, and that mattered. "A brain tumor. We caught it too late."

Hikaru's frown looked so wrong on his usually placid face. "I'm so sorry."

"It was a long time ago, Hikaru. I know you did not mean it." He leaned next to Hikaru and crossed his arms over his chest.

Five years wasn't really all that long, but it felt like it, young as he was. The fact that he could be on a starship for that long and not even see earth made him nervous, but he was sure that five years of hard work would go faster than five years of harsh grief.

Maybe.

Watching his mother die a long, torturous, slow death was so different from watching a person, a planet full of people, disappear in an instant. Starfleet tried to train for it, but it's not like they really could. He'd thought he was familiar with death, but that idea had been thrown in his face, then spat on.

If this was what space meant, maybe he'd made the wrong decision.

Hikaru nudged him with a shoulder. "You okay?"

Pavel debated on a response for a long moment, but settled on honesty. "I am not so sure Starfleet was my best idea."

Hikaru half-grinned. "I've been wondering the same thing, you know? I think . . . if you weren't thinking about it after all of this, I think I might be worried." He shifted, like he was worried what Pavel would think.

Pavel nodded. "I understand." At least, he thought he did.

There was a very long moment of silence, until Hikaru broke it. "Maybe one day we'll stand around like this and be glad we chose what we did."

"I will drink to that." Pavel leaned against him a little, trying to recapture that warmth, like when they slept. He almost didn't realize he was doing it, then jerked away just as suddenly. Hikaru gave him a look. "I need more sleep," he said, and grinned, like it was a joke.

It sort of was.

Hikaru just laughed at him, and he didn't move away.

Something unspoken hung in the air for a moment, and Pavel almost wanted to hold his breath in its presence. He was saved by his timer going off, though, and he bustled to dump potatoes into the soup. The heat and smell of it was enough to ease any tension.

They were alone, for the moment — Hikaru's parents had left for a community meeting and lunch with friends. The house seemed hollow without them, though not quite empty.

Hikaru finally drew away, only to sit at the table. "Think you're ready for this?"

"Debriefings? I hope so." He'd been over his notes, his math, his reasoning a thousand times, and he could repeat it even if he was half-gone with drink. He just prayed command didn't want anything he couldn't give. There was so much more he could have done, and in truth he didn't deserve to remain at his rank. But he wanted it, and he'd do anything to protect what he'd worked so hard for — he didn't have anything else. "You?"

Hikaru twirled the salt shaker on edge. "I think I'll be okay. We just go in and answer the questions, yeah? I think we'll all walk away from it."

"You'll do fine." If he was sure of only a few things, this was one of them.

Hikaru caught the salt shaker just before it tipped and set it back in its place. "I should shower. Or at least change."

Pavel tugged on the plaid pajama pants he wore and grinned. "I see no problem."

"I said I should, not that I was actually planning on it."

They lapsed into silence for a long time, the only sound the occasional ding when the soup's alarm demanded a new ingredient added. It was a long, slow process, but a decent-sized pot could feed a family of three — or four, in this case — for days. His mother used to make her biggest pot of it at the beginning of flu season, and freeze half in small potions. The rest was good hot or cold within a day or two, and there was never a drop wasted. She had two boys to care for — she always called him and his father "boys", no matter what either of them said — and the town took care of its own on top of that. The second someone fell ill, they could count on at least one bowl of soup at their door that day.

He hadn't expected California to be so different in that respect, really. To live in a place where one could go without knowing his neighbor's name seemed wrong on a deep, humane level. But he had muddled through and survived.

In twenty years, he'll have learned something from it. For the moment it made him miss home more fiercely. He prodded his PADD, an idle distraction. He'd been adding to his reports whatever details he could remember; so many had been missed the first time, and even now there were so many he was overlooking.

"How many times have you been over that? It's not going to change on you. Sit down and think about something else for a minute." Hikaru pushed a chair out with a foot in invitation.

Pavel dropped into it, but he brought the PADD with him. "I don't want to forget anything."

"You really think you _could_ forget any of it?"

"You've heard the horror stories about debriefings, too." He spun the PADD. "I need to know it. Is bad enough when I forget my Standard."

"You'll get through it fine. You're worrying yourself into a coma."

Pavel's lip curled at that. "You're just like your mother."

Hikaru refused to meet his eyes for a long moment, but his lips tipped upward. "I bet you're just like yours."

He didn't roll his eyes, or say any of the smart things that came to mind. He had her face, and nothing else — he carried his father's name, his father's burdens. For a while, though, he'd had her love, and that was enough to get him through.

* * *

Night after night, Hikaru dreamt of falling. He woke a moment before hitting the ground, sometimes alone, sometimes with Kirk; twice he'd smashed his leg into the wall and woken sooner, though he wasn't sure if that was better than waking in a panic, breath coming in short gasps. He'd kicked Pavel, just once, and the bruise was pretty impressive.

Waking in the dark helped, a stark contrast to the red sands of Vulcan, or the cold lighting of the Enterprise. Working out helped too, and though he wasn't much of a marathon runner, he went jogging with Pavel anyway. But then the dreams shifted, and it was Pavel falling with him instead of Kirk, and nothing could keep them at bay anymore.

He woke coughing, this time, and rolled on his side to try to breathe. His chest hurt like he'd been drowning, and maybe he had. The pounding of his pulse roared in his ears for a long moment. He glanced over the side of his bunk after a while, just to check that Pavel was really alive. He was fine, of course, curled half on his stomach, one hand wrapped around the dimmed PADD.

He thought about it for a long moment, and then rolled out of his bunk. He tiptoed out, down into the kitchen.

The chrono said 0416, but the kitchen was lit up already. Dad was nursing a cup of something hot and delicious-smelling, dressed like he had only just returned from work. He lifted his eyebrows at Hikaru, but just settled in, like he was ready for an even longer night. Hikaru poked through the 'fridge before settling on milk.

"Something on your mind?" Dad asked.

"Nothing I want to talk about." He sat at the table and laid his head on his arms, but he didn't dare close his eyes.

"You'll have to eventually."

He'd thought about that, but he didn't want to. Starfleet could order them all grounded pending review, and he wouldn't put it past them. He felt like he was holding up all right, though, and he didn't want to find out someone else thought otherwise. "I'm working on it." It was a bald-faced lie, but he hoped he wouldn't be called on it.

"You'll tell us anything that helps, of course."

He tipped his head to smile and meet Dad's eyes. "Of course."

"That goes for the boy, too."

"Have you been waiting for a good chance to jump me with this?"

Dad wasn't big on smiling, but it might have been the late hour, or the conversation that convinced him to crack this one. "A little bit. I'm being completely serious, though."

He downed half his glass of milk and debated what to say. "We're both doing okay right now."

"Except for sleeping."

He chewed his lower lip. "Tonight's been rough. It'll get better." He was an eternal optimist, in part because his heart couldn't handle the alternative. It'd been shaken and battered by all that had happened, and was definitely weaker for it, but he couldn't let go of the idea that it would work itself out. He needed to know that he could breathe for a moment, and it wasn't going to fall apart on him. He finished his milk, and debated coffee for a long moment. He wasn't sure if he'd sleep tonight anyway, or if he even wanted to at this point.

Dad finished his drink as well. He patted Hikaru on the shoulder as he left, warm and soothing even if he could be a cold at times. "Try to sleep."

"Goodnight."

He ended up deciding not to test the coffee, and went back to bed instead. Pavel's PADD had fallen to the floor in the meantime, and he put it on the desk for safekeeping. He was about to hop up into his bunk, when a hand on his knee stopped him. "'Karu?"

"Hey. You awake?"

"Barely. You okay?"

"Just can't sleep," he said.

His eyes adjusted enough to the low light to see Pavel nod, and the hand released his pant leg. "Goodnight, then."

He hesitated for a long minute. He wouldn't be turned away if he slid into Pavel's bed, and he knew it. A tiny snore, though, was enough to send him into his own bed. He wasn't going to interrupt anyone else's sleep if he could help it. He mourned the loss of the warmth he knew he'd find there, though.

Well, couldn't have everything.


	4. Chapter 4

0700 debriefings weren't Hikaru's idea of a good time, especially after the kind of night he'd had, but he did what he had to do. Paper bags had been left on the table, with his and Pavel's names on them, and in front of each was another paper crane. For the most part, his parents let him behave as an adult; sometimes they liked to pretend he was still ten years old and walking to school, and he couldn't find it in him to be upset about that. He pocketed the crane, and tucked the bag into his messenger, next to his PADD.

The hardest part of debriefings wasn't so much having to re-live everything, though it didn't help. What was rough was when the retelling was done, and every decision was questioned, re-questioned, and an outline of one's thought process demanded. From his choice to volunteer for the space jump to the decision to fire on the _Narada_ , he had to explain why it was the best decision he could have made. Which meant that until they were done, the mission wasn't _really_ over.

He passed Kirk, who was coming out as he went in, and blinked. "You look like shit."

Kirk just nodded. "I was here all night."

"Jesus, can they even call you in on a Sunday?"

Kirk smirked, but there was absolutely no amusement behind it. "It's command, they can do what they want. Good luck. I'm going to bed. They're all warmed up for you."

He steeled himself with a deep breath, then went in.

* * *

Pavel half-woke when Hikaru left again, but rolled over and drifted away again quickly. His own alarm blared to life a few hours later, though, and he resisted the urge to whack it, or even groan. He'd purposely given himself extra time this morning. He had a mission, and giving in would mean it would never get done at all. He knew himself, and he knew to ride this tide of courage before it was gone forever. He dressed and slipped out the back. It was three blocks to the convenience store, and he made it in less than five minutes at a jog.

The way Hikaru looked at his father was driving him _insane_. Pavel liked to think he wasn't a jealous person, but he had his moments. It was going to bother him until he tried again. He'd tried before, with no luck, and always told himself it was the last time, but this time he was sure it would be. Everything had changed, and it was time to accept what was coming. If he was turned away again — well, that was that. The cost of a calling card was a small risk.

He poked through the house for a few long moments, to make sure he was alone, before locking himself in his room. The vidscreen was awkwardly placed, a little too high on the wall, but he managed to make it work. He punched in the number for his father's home, then waited.

Nothing.

Not that he had been expecting anything, but when he wasn't offered the chance to leave a message, he knew it was over. He'd been cut off from his father, and if he was truly honest with himself, it was as much as he deserved. He threw the calling card away, and went to get dressed for the beginning of debriefings. He'd tried.

He blinked for a long moment at the bagged lunch and paper crane, before grabbing them both. His chest clenched a little, but all he could think was that he'd take what he could get. This was a good place to start.

His debriefings didn't quite live up to the hellish reputation they had, but he wasn't going to complain, either. The majority went smoothly, and they were more concerned with what he had witnessed of other crew members — most notably Kirk and Spock — and he felt confident enough for a while to begin to relax. He didn't feel like he was on trial, even when he was asked to explain the bit of theoretical transporter physics that had kept Kirk and Hikaru from being smeared across the surface of Vulcan. He had checked and double-checked his math beforehand, as well as for his work regarding the orbit around Titan.

His rosy view of the situation shattered, though, when an admiral asked why he had remained at the transporter station rather than return to his place on the bridge. The honest truth wouldn't do for that — that he had mistaken some lucky theoretical physics for actual skill with the transporter — but he didn't have a better answer. He thought he'd be able to handle it, and the mistake had meant, for once, more than a few points on his grade.

He walked home with it praying on his mind. The sandwich was bland in light of everything else, but he ate and was grateful. A throb of pain had begun to bloom near his temple, and he realized with a start that he'd missed his medication. He wouldn't be eating dinner, anyway, not like this. If Hikaru was home when he got there, he didn't see him. Pavel made his way upstairs, and fell into his bed still dressed.

The sun had slanted through the window to the perfect retina-burning angle by the time he next opened his eyes. He made a tiny, pathetic sound, and swung an arm over his face. Something banged off to the side immediately after, and he dared to peek.

"Shit," Hikaru said, one hand over his heart, his eyes big. "I didn't know you were even in the house."

Pavel didn't dare laugh, no matter how much he wanted to. "I didn't know you cursed, Hikaru."

"Don't tell Mom. Are you okay?"

"Headache."

Hikaru gave him a worried look, and Pavel summoned enough energy to roll his eyes. "I missed my medication, it's just withdrawal. I don't have a tumor, Hikaru." He got checked every time his physical came up, thanks to those damn charts with check-boxes for his family history.

Hikaru looked sheepish, and closed the blinds to the window. Pavel couldn't control the tiny, relieved sound that came out of him, and curled on his side. "Thank you."

"Come downstairs when you feel better."

He gave a tiny wave to show that he'd heard, and tried to sleep some more.

* * *

Eating dinner with his parents was weird. He'd gotten used to Pavel being there, and he wondered what this meant for whenever they went their separate ways. His absence from the table didn't mean he was completely gone, though, with the way Mama liked to talk. "He's a mystery, Hikaru, I don't understand it. It's such a shame, too, that he doesn't seem to have anyone."

"He's not a kid, mom. Well, not really." The longer he was around Pavel, in fact, _he_ was the one who felt more like a kid. Except for their first night, and the occasional late-night run, Pavel was handling everything pretty well. Hikaru, on the other hand, was making best friends with the kitchen most nights. The fact that his dreams were featuring Pavel more and more often baffled him, and made him wonder even more if there was something he was missing.

"You're both still kids, as far as I can see. Smart ones, but kids." She pointed a piece of bread at him like a dagger. "I don't know that he shouldn't be home, wherever it is."

"I asked, and I don't think he has anyone. His mother died, he told me." He thought for a minute. "He didn't say anything about his dad."

"There's no need to pry," Dad said. He gave them both a firm look, as if he intended to put an end to the matter. "He knows whatever it is he needs, and so does Hikaru, for that matter."

As much as he liked having his father's confidence, it was definitely misplaced. He didn't correct it, but he hoped it would turn out to be a valid prediction with time. Right now, not much was helping at all. "I wasn't trying to pry, really, but I see what you mean." — Well, all right, maybe he had been prying a little bit, but he wouldn't admit it. If it came up, he'd apologize in a heartbeat. "We were just talking."

Mama just shook her head like she couldn't believe Pavel knew how to talk. His father, though, focused on him for a long moment. "Are you holding up?"

"I'm fine." He poked at his dinner. "They didn't go too hard on me. They called in Kirk yesterday and kept him all night, though."

Mama wasn't an angry person by any means, but she looked disgusted enough to march into Starfleet headquarters and complain herself. "Haven't you all been through enough? To think, these are the people who say that the Klingons are inhumane."

"If most of us make it out with our positions intact, I'll be happy," Hikaru admitted. There were rumors, of course, about the Enterprise being handed over to someone else, since Pike wouldn't be walking for a long while. Some of them featured Kirk, others Spock, but there was nothing behind any of them yet. To those who knew what had happened, it seemed more likely that half of them would be discharged from the service. The number of violated regulations was kind of staggering; he'd seen the list.

"They're pulling that _thing_ out of the bay tomorrow," Dad said after a long moment.

It took Hikaru a long minute to understand which thing he was referring to. "The drill? Jesus." A tiny tremor of panic rose in his chest at the thought — Olsen caught in the plasma beam, freefalling toward the earth when it jolted. "They probably want to study it."

"They should leave it. Whatever it is, it's terrible luck."

He couldn't argue with that.

Pavel didn't show his face the rest of the night. Hikaru remained downstairs, reading and enjoying the time with his parents while he could, in part out of respect. When he finally attempted to sleep, he found that Pavel hadn't moved from where he'd laid hours before.

Two hours later, he was back in the kitchen, nursing his milk. Really, he wasn't sure why he bothered at all.

* * *

The morning had only barely begun to dawn when Pavel rolled out of bed, his cadet reds rumbled and sticky with sweat. He changed, but didn't shower, intending to run first. He was more awake than he had been all week, his head clear the way it always was the day after a missed dose. The medicine made him a little fuzzier than he could be, but he was quick enough, and knew enough of the short cuts, to make up for it. That extra boost of clarity probably could have saved Amanda Grayson's life, he knew, and it had him rethinking whether the medication was necessary at all. But it also meant he was jittery, after half a day and all night of sleep, and he needed to go.

Hikaru stopped him in the kitchen as he was pulling on his running shoes. "Can I come with you?"

"Yes, of course." He squinted at Hikaru, curious. He looked like he hadn't slept all night, and that was probably more true than he wanted to admit. "You don't usually run, do you?"

"They're pulling the drill out of the bay. I want to see."

Pavel swallowed and nodded. He hadn't seen the drill during their entire ordeal, except in vague diagrams generated by the computer, and he was not sure if he wanted to now. But Hikaru had been more than patient, and damn if they weren't in this together. "I know a good spot."

Hikaru was a decent running partner, it turned out. He kept pace well, with a little encouragement, though they stopped more often than Pavel would alone. They wound through the streets near the academy, familiar and oddly vacant, even for such an early hour, and then made for the spot with a good view of the bay. Even from the academy, the huge equipment being brought in for the job was easily seen, but it was only when they got closer that the sheer magnitude of the job became clear. Pavel cursed in Russian, then in Standard for good measure. "I didn't realize how big it was."

"I still can't figure out how they made it," Hikaru admitted.

They perched on an outcropping of rocks, and Pavel stretched while they watched. The water complicated things, flooding the main shaft and making it heavier. Men waded out to attach hooks, and the machines tried to angle it so the water would pour out. Pavel smirked, almost sure of the right angle it would take. "Should I go tell them how to do it?"

Hikaru rolled his eyes. "You never stop working."

"Not like I can control my brain."

It took the men an hour to figure out the angle — and Pavel had been right — and the sun was climbing in the sky by the time it was loaded into an impressive vehicle for transport. The sight of how big it actually was, and the knowledge of how powerful it had been, made Pavel's breath catch. "Hikaru, you idiot, you actually jumped onto that thing?"

"We had to." He gave Pavel a look, like he didn't want to admit even to himself that it had been necessary. "I never want to again."

"Here's hoping you won't have to."

They waited until the drill's vehicle had crept far enough along the road that they couldn't see it anymore before dusting the sand off their clothes and heading back. They walked instead of ran, nice and easy, knocking shoulders occasionally.

"Are you okay?" Hikaru asked suddenly.

Pavel shrugged and cast a confused glance at him. "I think so. Why, what is it?"

Hikaru just shook his head. "I think I'm going crazy."

Pavel chewed his lip, and leaned over so they knocked shoulders again. "I think you're okay. What's wrong?"

"Mostly nightmares." He sounded like it was a relief to admit it. "And . . . I don't know, really. It's like everything has to be looked at through what happened, and I don't like it. God, I sound like an idiot. I swear that sounded better in my head."

Pavel shook his head, mostly amused. "No, I understand, I think." He didn't want to say what he was thinking; that some things made sense now, where before they had seemed tragic mysteries. "I wish I knew how to help."

"Same." Hikaru kicked at the dirt idly, crossing one leg over the other. "I don't know, maybe it's time for a trip to one of the 'fleet's people."

Pavel bit down on an objection. He was biased, he knew – he'd been forced to see enough of Starfleet's professionals, a precaution for the child in an adult's world, to know that it never really left your record. "They'll probably end up sending us all before long. The first time someone snaps and it looks bad."

"You're so bitter." Hikaru's shoulders slumped a little, like the weight was bearing down, and it was strange to see him without a smile.

"We can talk too, though I don't know how to fix anything."

That got him a smile, though not a big one. "I'm not sure if there's much to say, I can't even put my finger on it properly." There was a long pause. "Can I ask what it's been like for you? If I'm being an ass, just say so."

Pavel shoved his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants, and turned his face into the sun to warm it. "I try to pretend it didn't happen." He was good at it, too. Being away from the dormitories helped with keeping the illusion up. The debriefings and the guilt kept it from being quite as blinding as it could have been, though.

"And when that doesn't work?"

"I run."


	5. Chapter 5

When two people lived together, strange things happened. Pavel had gotten used to it. In the case of those who had been friends before the arrangement, it usually ended in a slow-burning hatred for one another. For others, it varied. For the two of them, it meant a gradual adjustment to one another's habits. Hikaru began to run with him, first thing every morning, and the runs grew longer by the day. They would perch on the same rocks they had watched the drill from, and let the familiarity loosen their tongues for once.

It was a couple of weeks after the drill was removed, and they perched on the rocks, Hikaru stretched out on his back. There was nothing to see at this hour, the fog thick and cold over the bay. They passed a bottle of water back and forth. The debriefings had ended, and a counsel had been appointed to begin work on a report for public consumption. They were all still being blocked from speaking to the press, not that anyone complained. Pavel was waiting for the court-marshaling orders to begin coming through, though he wasn't going to say it.

Hikaru passed the water back, then tugged on a loose thread on Pavel's wind jacket. They sat so close they almost touched, and there was nothing uncomfortable about it. He could feel some of the heat rolling off of Hikaru, like a human furnace compared to the fog. "Kirk wants us to go out with him one day," Hikaru said.

"That'd be nice. We should go." He brushed a hair out of Hikaru's face without thinking about it.

He got a huge grin. "I'll tell him." Hikaru shut his eyes and dropped his hand from Pavel's jacket. "I guess he and the doctor are together?"

Pavel blinked at him. "What?"

Hikaru shrugged. "We had a good long talk, is all, and we had to quit because the doctor came home."

"They could just be living together, Hikaru. We are."

He looked uncomfortable. "I'm not an expert, but I think they're together. You should hear the way he talks about him. If they're not, Jim's definitely got his eye on him." He sounded very sure, like he knew exactly what infatuation looked like.

Pavel just nodded. He didn't know anything about such things, as much as it made him feel like he was missing out on something. He was too young, surrounded by people too old for him, even though he knew what he wanted. He was happy as it was, so it wasn't as though it mattered a great deal, but occasionally it rose up and bothered him.

When he next looked down, Hikaru was studying him. "You got anyone? I know you've never mentioned it."

Pavel snorted and shook his head. "No, no. I stand out too much. No one will risk jailbait, anyway."

"It's not like we don't have plenty of time." Hikaru grinned up at him.

"You have no one either?"

"I work too hard, I don't usually have time for anyone. Nothing meaningful, at least."

That thought made Pavel a little uncomfortable, if he was honest, but that was the way the Academy worked, and he wasn't going to judge. If he was braver, he'd probably do the same.

They stayed a while longer, before making their way home. Pavel showered quickly, and dressed as well as he could. He hadn't been to mass since their return, and while he felt the loss in his life, it hadn't felt like time to go back. It still didn't, but he knew he couldn't put it off forever.

* * *

Hikaru drummed on the desk, silently debating. His conversation with Jim Kirk the day before had set his nerves on fire, and he wanted to try to find relief. He had Jim's number on the vidscreen, ready to call. The question of whether it was a good idea was the only thing stopping him. There was only so much he could do on his own, though, and he needed out of the house before he burst. So, he called.

Jim answered on the second ring, shirtless, looking like the proverbial cat who'd eaten the canary. "Yes?"

"You still up for that drink?"

"I can be. The kid coming with you?"

He shook his head and tried not to smirk. "Next time. I'm kind of on a mission this time."

Jim studied him for a moment, and then blinked when realization dawned. "I gotcha. Yeah, I'd be up for that. I'm free today and tomorrow. Got a hearing on Wednesday, though."

"Tonight's great."

"That's the kind of response I like," Jim said, and damn if he didn't sound like he was proud. "Meet you at Monica's? She's always got a great crowd."

Trust Jim Kirk to be an expert on where to find a girl for the night. "That's fine. Eight?"

"Deal. See you then, out."

The screen went black, and Hikaru hoped he wasn't going to regret it in a few hours. It was kind of funny, if he let himself think about it; he was going to find a girl, and Pavel had already left for mass. To each his own; he got dressed, and hesitated just a moment before sending a note to Pavel's PADD — the one place he'd definitely see it.

* * *

Pavel hovered outside the church for a few long moments, unsure whether this was right. Finally, though, he let himself in. He bowed to the tabernacle, crossing himself — three times, right to left, because his mother had raised him to be Orthodox even if he lived in California. He dropped to his knees in the back corner of the pews and tried to pray. Nothing came, though, and after a long moment, he gave up. Nothing he could say seemed like enough, and that was part of the reason he had waited so long to return here.

Mass dragged, which was strange. He liked mass. But today it made him twitchy, and all he wanted to do was break away, go back to running, get home to the bed where things melted away so easily. He stayed through the whole thing, though, and after — lighting one of the candles in the sanctuary, this time for everyone who had died, not just his mother, and silently bemoaning the fact that real candles were a fire hazard. In Russia, they still used real candles wherever they could. In California, most were electric, and it bothered him more than it should. That done, he returned to his pew while the others filed out. He would stay until he had finished praying.

A few long minutes later, a weight settled next to him. "I called your room and didn't get an answer. I had thought you were dead, though I couldn't find your name on the lists." Father O'Brien's voice was neutral, but not unkind.

"I've been staying with someone." He couldn't look the priest in the eye right now, though he glanced sideways at his hands — soft from lack of hard labor, but strong with the kind of faith Pavel wished he knew how to cultivate. "I was only there long enough to grab my possessions."

"You were on the _Enterprise_?"

If it were anyone else, Pavel wouldn't answer. He didn't want to talk about it, even if he'd given into Hikaru. Instead, he just nodded. "On the bridge."

"Oh Pavel."

"Please don't, Father. I don't want pity."

O'Brien's hand hovered like he wanted to clap Pavel on the shoulder, then fell back in his lap. "You still haven't learned; there's a big difference between pity and caring."

Pavel stamped down a small surge of anger. He didn't want caring, either, or help, or anything else. He wanted quiet, and to figure out how to pray again. "I don't want that either."

"What we want and what we need aren't always the same thing."

"I don't need it, then."

That got him a sigh. "You'll tell me what you need, of course."

Pavel huffed a big breath, and tried to control his reactions. "I need to pray." He tried to project an air of _leave me be_ without actually saying it.

O'Brien was never so easy to get rid of, though. "It's difficult now?"

Pavel stared straight ahead, at the altar, pretending he did not hear. Of course it was difficult. Until now, his prayers had been simple — for his own salvation, and his mother's soul. That wasn't enough, now, not after watching billions of lives end — one by his own too-slow hand, others by weapons he'd fired. His mere presence in the church felt like sacrilege. "It's impossible now."

There was a rustle of cloth. "If nothing else, let me pray with you."

Pavel glared at the altar, still refusing to look over. He could keep fighting, and end up alone with his frustration for a while. Or he could give in, and have his pride beaten but his soul a little cleaner. As much as he hated it, and himself, he had to take the latter. He sighed and nodded, then pulled the kneeling rack down with a small bang against the floor. He dropped to his knees with no grace to his movements, and O'Brien followed him. They both bowed their heads, and if Pavel's prayers were more for peace than anything else, no one else needed to know.

* * *

Monica's was small but packed, and Jim Kirk navigated the crowd like he owned the place. They managed to swing a tiny table near the bar with a good view, and nursed their drinks while they watched. Hikaru wasn't sure who he was looking for, but when he saw her he'd know. The club attracted a mix of species and races, so it wasn't as if he lacked options. Jim leaned on the table and watched him for a long moment. "Got an idea yet?"

He smirked. "You in a hurry to get rid of me?"

"You know I love you, baby," Jim said in a sing-song. "Really, though."

Hikaru shrugged. "I'm not sure. I'm open to suggestions."

Jim laughed. "I bet you don't have a type, either."

"Not blonde."

"It's a start." Jim watched the crowd too, his eyes tracking across a few people. "Female humans only?"

"Please."

"You need to broaden your horizons, my friend. But I'm not here to judge." He lifted his beer, like a toast.

Now that he was out, Hikaru was almost content to spend the night drinking with Jim before returning home. If no one caught his eye, that's what he'd do. "So nice to get out."

"You and the kid been playing house?"

He didn't stick his tongue out at Jim, but he thought about it. "Needed a little quiet to get my brain together," he said instead.

"You should invite the kid next time, I bet he can drink like a dock worker."

"You're not far off the truth." Hikaru sipped his beer, not in a hurry for anything, and leaned forward onto the table. "I think you'd like him, actually." Something about the way that Pavel could be joking one minute like he was seventeen, and then deadly serious like he'd amassed a century of knowledge, reminded him of Jim Kirk.

"I bet I would. We'll get him in on this next time." He had an easy grin, like this was all a little bit of a game, and Hikaru could get behind that right now. A harmless game, for the first time in a while.

And then fate dropped a redhead into Jim Kirk's lap. Literally. "James," she cooed.

He grinned at her like an old friend. "Still off the market, dear, I hate to disappoint."

She pouted, lower lip just slightly poking out. "Not even for me?"

"Sorry." His smile widened, and he gave Hikaru one of his looks. "But my friend Mr. Sulu here might be interested."

Her gaze turned on him, and he couldn't quite tell the colour of her eyes in the light. "Mr. Sulu?"

"I'd be very interested," he admitted. He wasn't stupid. Opportunity had dropped right in front of him, and he had to admit it was tempting.

She looked him over, and he tried not to flinch. "You'll do," she said.

He nodded, and leaned over to give Jim a look. Jim answered with a tiny shake of his head — a silent code. The fact that Jim understood so quickly heartened him, too. Hikaru took the girl's hand, and let her guide him toward the door, beer still in his hand. "What's your name?" he asked.

"Hannah."

"You can call me Hikaru."

* * *

Maybe it was the bunk beds. Hikaru's note had said he might be out all night, and he was true to his word. With Hikaru not there to have his sleep disrupted, it fell to Pavel to be restless. He rolled over, half awake, and pressed his face into the pillow.

His dreams were random, half-memories and new fantasies. His mother behind the controls of the transporter, his signal lost, falling toward the imploding core of a hot planet. Then the entire scene shifted, and it wasn't the transporter room, but the gates of Heaven, and she hadn't been able to intercede for him. No one had, and he was going to be gone forever. Warm hands cradled him, though, and maybe being gone like this wouldn't be so bad.

He half-woke, just once, to the sound of a soft sigh. It might have been his own, and the hand on his forehead, pushing his hair back lightly, might have been another illusion. He didn't open his eyes to find out, just pressed into the warmth a little bit more.

When he finally woke, there was a long moment of disorientation. Was this reality? He peeked over his pillow, and couldn't argue with the light streaming in through the cracks in the blinds. He rolled over and stared at the underside of the top bunk for a few long minutes. His chest and neck ached with tension. He tried to roll it out of his shoulders, but that just made it worse.

The door squeaked, and Hikaru came in, dressed in only a pair of shorts, a towel hanging from his hand. "You're awake," he said.

"I don't want to be." Pavel stared at the upper bunk again, not wanting to be rude. "Did you have fun?"

Hikaru snorted with laughter, and there was a rustle of clothes. "Yeah, I had fun. You should come from now on. I wasn't sure if you wanted to, is all."

Pavel grunted in agreement. "I am not much fun."

Hikaru's weight settled at the end of his bunk, just barely missing his feet. "I think you'd be fine. We could find you a pretty girl, even. Jim's good at it."

Pavel didn't want to think of how Hikaru knew that. "You really couldn't."

"You're not usually this negative." Hikaru leaned back, curling so he could lean against the wall.

"Hikaru, I like _boys_." His face burned a little as he said it. Talking about sex was hard — he was seventeen, scrawny, and his knowledge of sex came primarily from a personal health class he had been required to take upon arriving at the conservatory in Moscow.

Hikaru just grinned at him, big and open. "We'll find you a pretty _boy_ , then. Why are you red? Homophobia went out a century ago."

Pavel shrugged, which sent a jolt of pain through him. "I don't talk about it much. Any of it."

Thank God, Hikaru seemed to understand. "Nothing wrong with that. I'm sorry I brought it up." He nudged Pavel's leg with his arm. "You can always come down and just drink with us. No pressure."

"I'll think about it," Pavel said. His eyes drooped a little, the long night already catching up to him. "Thank you for the invitation." He stumbled over the _v_ , though he had been working hard to pronounce it correctly. Hikaru just nodded and patted his leg near the ankle. He didn't move, though. He stayed curled at the end of the bunk, and he looked thoughtful. "What is it?" Pavel asked after a few long minutes of this.

Hikaru flashed him a big smile. "Nothing. I had a long night."

Pavel rolled his eyes. "Me too, though I'm sure for different reasons."

Hikaru nodded, and patted his leg before standing. "Get some real sleep, yeah?"

Pavel yawned and nodded. He rolled enough to reach for the hypo in his bag, though, and gave himself his medication. The last thing he needed after last night was another round with withdrawal. The medicine made him blessedly tired, too, at least for a while. "Your mother —"

"Won't mind, trust me. The last thing she's worried about is sleeping in every now and then, as I keep telling you." Hikaru paused to look at him for a long moment.

Pavel pressed his face into the pillow to avoid the look. He wanted to sleep, but knew it wasn't going to happen at this point. A moment later the bunk dipped again, and he was surprised when a warm weight stretched next to him and settled. One hand rubbed at his back, slow circles, while the other tucked itself under the pillow. Pavel stayed stiff and still, unsure after the conversation they'd just finished.

"Tell me what's really wrong," Hikaru said after a long moment.

He shrugged a little, the bloom of pain a little less this time. He shuffled, after another long moment, to press his face into Hikaru's neck. "Just don't go anywhere, okay?"

Hikaru didn't laugh, which he had been afraid of, but just squeezed him a little. "No problem."


	6. Chapter 6

A day later, they were both helping in the kitchen when the tell-tale beep of the comm got their attention. Mrs. Sulu waved them both off, and left the kitchen in their care while she answered it. When she returned, her face showed her confusion, and she nodded to Pavel. "Your father?"

Pavel blinked, then felt himself turn a little red. "Ah, yes, thank you." He slipped past her, silently praying for the best, into the kitchen. And even though she'd said so, he wasn't prepared to see his father's face on the vidscreen. It'd been a few years, but Andrei Chekov hadn't changed much physically. Pavel didn't sit; he had no intentions of letting this last long. "Yes, Andrei?" he asked in Russian.

"You need to come home." The vidscreens were always a little distorted, and Pavel couldn't tell if he was drunk or not. "Pavel, _now_ , before you get into more trouble."

"I don't have to do anything, and you know this." Pavel resisted the urge to cross his arms over his chest. He was not a child anymore, and he would not behave like one.

Andrei's face twitched, just the one side, a sure-fire sign he was drunk. Pavel's resolve hardened a little. "Pavel, this isn't what anyone wants and you know it."

"It's what I want. If Mama had known, she would have wanted it." He moved closer to the screen, hand hovering over the button that would cut the connection. "If this is your only point of discussion, I'll take my leave."

"She wanted her family together, Pavel. What kind of a son denies his mother's dying wish?"

He wanted to respond, but his chest was tight at the accusation, and he didn't want to let it show. He pushed the button, and the screen went black. He put in the extra effort to block the caller, as well, though he was sure Andrei would not try again. That done, he crept out the opposite door, into the back hallway, and up the stairs to their room. He prayed no one would blame him, as he leaned against the door and tried to tramp down the wave of emotion. Mostly rage, though there was a well of sadness below it that wanted to suck him in.

Mama had been a pianist, and good at what she did, her lithe fingers able to coax beauty out of the most rickety of instruments. He had those same hands, thank God, and worked hard to try to coax the same sort of mastery from them. His father had been a mechanic before Mama had gotten sick, and a fine man overall. When she'd died, everything had changed, and Pavel had fled before he could be the one left behind again. It was true that Mama had wanted her boys to stay together, but — and Pavel had spent nights awake since leaving, trying to convince himself that his reasoning was sound — he was sure she had not expected Andrei to turn to the bottle, or any of the other things he'd done.

Leaving had been the right thing.

He took deep breaths and counted, first to five, then the first twenty digits of Pi, then Fibonacci's sequence. His hands shook a little as he warred between kicking something and crying. Five years of calling, trying to convince his father to save their family, and this was the only time he had been given a response. And according to it, it was all his fault — just like the rest of it had been.

Grief won out, and Pavel sat on his bunk while he cried.

* * *

Hikaru had heard the bleep of the vidcall ending, and the tell-tale creak at the top of the stairs, but he waited for a few long minutes before following. The look on Pavel's face when Mama had told him had been nothing short of horrified, even if he'd tried to hide it. Hikaru didn't want to intrude, but at the same time . . . something was wrong about the whole thing.

He crept upstairs almost a half an hour later, long enough to be sure that Pavel wasn't coming down on his own. He wavered on whether or not to knock, but finally just tried the door. It wasn't locked, so he let himself in. It took him a minute to find Pavel, curled in the corner of his bunk. His face was red, and Hikaru could see the whites of his knuckles even from the doorway. "Hey," Hikaru said, moving closer. "Hey. What is it? Are you okay?"

Pavel barely looked up; he shook his head. Hikaru sat on the edge of the bed, and looked at him. Pavel hiccuped, just once, and looked up at him with an open look of pain. For the first time since Hikaru had known him, Pavel looked like a child. Hikaru took both of Pavel's hands, and gently loosened the tight fists. "Tell me. Your father?"

There was a moment where Hikaru thought he wouldn't get a response; that he was going to be sent away from here. But then Pavel nodded again, and he was offered another nod, this one shakier. Pavel didn't offer anything else, though, and Hikaru decided after another moment that it wasn't the time to ask. "Okay," he said, like he had everything he needed. He pulled Pavel close and rubbed his back. "It's okay. We'll figure it out."

Pavel's breath hitched, and he let out a pathetic little sound. Hikaru wished he had some sort of experience, practice in knowing how this was supposed to go, but he acted on instinct instead. He guided Pavel to his shoulder, and rocked him slowly while he cried. He didn't say anything until he heard Pavel gag. "Don't make yourself sick, he's not worth it." The words tumbled out without thought.

Pavel slowly pulled himself together, and he tried to pull away as he did. At first, Hikaru didn't let him, tightening his hold for a moment as if it would get his point across. Finally, though, he let go completely. Pavel pulled away, but not far, his face red and streaked with wetness. Without thinking, Hikaru reached out to wipe it away.

Pavel caught his wrist in a tight grip. "I'm okay," he said.

"This isn't okay, Pavel. Tell me what it is, maybe we can figure it out together."

Pavel shuddered a little. "Later. After I can think. Okay?"

Hikaru was willing to take that much. Hell, it wasn't a rejection. "Yeah, okay." He didn't pull away, but waited for Pavel to start to disentangle them. It was a long time before Pavel let go of him, and when he did, his jaw was set and his eyes hard. Hikaru watched him, unsure what he was seeing, before finally breaking eye contact. "You okay for now?"

Some of that hardness softened, but not enough. "Yes, for now." It was as much a dismissal as anything else he'd ever heard, so Hikaru decided to take the hint. He stood and made for the door. He hesitated in the doorway, wondering if he should say something, but finally decided not to. He went downstairs, and hoped something of their peace hadn't been thrown out the window by this.

It was a few long minutes before Pavel came downstairs, and he smiled at both Mama and Hikaru when he did. He looked stiff and tight still, but he was polite as ever, and had a vacant look at times, like he hadn't been lying about needing to think. For all that Hikaru thought he knew Pavel, it suddenly occurred to him how very little he knew at all.

That needed to change.

And hopefully it would. Hikaru wasn't used to not being trusted — his parents had seen fit to show him everything they thought he could handle, and he'd had his share of close relationships in his short life. Granted, none of them had been quite like Pavel, but none of them had survived what they had, either. Starfleet had long claimed that those who worked together among its ranks produced some of the closest ties, and while he hadn't believed it at first . . . he was beginning to. For whatever it was worth.

Mama gave him a concerned look at one point, as the three of them resumed their work in the kitchen preparing dinner, and Hikaru tried to give a smile that said, "everything's fine". It didn't quite work, but she nodded anyway, one lip curled in a half-smile of her own. If nothing else, Hikaru knew exactly who to go to if he needed help.

And with this, he just might.

Dinner eased some of the tension, at least. No one could keep a bad mood going with Mama doting; it had been scientifically proven when Hikaru was younger. As they helped clean up, Hikaru wondered if he'd been fooled after all, so closely was he watching for a signal from Pavel. After a while, though, he realized he was hovering, and it probably wasn't helping.

Finally, Pavel tugged his sleeve. They both bid his parents good-night as they trudged back up the stairs. Neither spoke again until they were safely in the room, the door locked behind them. Hikaru waited; he wasn't going to be the one to push, not when the scales were so carefully balanced. Pavel perched on the edge of the bunk, and rubbed at his face. "I'm sorry," he said after a long time.

"There's nothing to be sorry for." Hikaru waited a long minute, then came to sit next to him. "Tell me what's on your mind, and then I'll tell you if you should be sorry."

Pavel slumped a little. "Yes. Okay. Well . . . I told you that my mama died, yes? Afterward, my father started to drink more, and he would yell and scream and such. I stood for it for a while, but then he went from blaming me to hitting, and I left."

It took a moment for that to sink in. "God, Pavel I'm sorry."

Pavel shrugged. "Is not your fault. You don't need to apologize."

Hikaru studied him, and thens hook his head. "No, you deserve an apology. I don't see anyone else willing to give one. I'm sorry."

Pavel didn't look over at him, but his lower lip wobbled. "Thank you."

Hikaru wanted to ask questions, to know Pavel's pain, but now wasn't the time. Hikaru wrapped one arm around his waist and tugged Pavel to his side, his head resting on his shoulder once more. Pavel sniffed once or twice, but didn't cry again. After a while, he shifted a little. "Is not so bad," he mumbled. "I should not complain like it was. He was a drunk, but he only hit me a couple of times. I left before he had a chance to get better."

Hikaru desperately wished he knew more, so he could be sure he was saying the right things. "I don't think these things usually get better," he said. "Maybe, but someone's going to get hurt first."

"Mama wanted us to stay together." Pavel sniffed, like he was going to start again, but just kept speaking. "He reminded me of that when he called."

"I'm sure she wanted you to be happy. And you can't be happy when you're being hurt, Pavel, even if it's not the hitting." He stumbled over the last word a little, his heart jumping a tiny bit. "If she'd known, I don't think she'd have asked you to stay."

Pavel didn't have anything to say to that, just pressed along Hikaru's side.


	7. Chapter 7

Hikaru's problem, when it came down to it, was that once an idea was in his head, it wouldn't leave him alone. In this case, it was like both Jim and Pavel had conspired to plant it, with their talk of widened horizons and liking boys. He wouldn't lie, he'd _looked_ , but nothing more, and there hadn't been much to see at the time. He wasn't sure there was anything now, though his eyes wandered a little further when he was sure he wouldn't get caught.

Pavel was a sight, that was for sure. Thin and wiry, but definitely a runner. It didn't help at all that he knew what Pavel felt like pressed against him. The thought alone was enough to make him feel like a filthy old man. He did his best not to change anything, but parts of it were hard — the worst were the nights in bed together, which he didn't want to give up unless he had to.

They talked at night, sometimes sitting at opposite ends of a bunk, sometimes while they worked with the room between them. Pavel's voice alternated between that of a mature teenager, and an old man who'd seen too much; it baffled Hikaru. He never missed a chance to talk about his mother, though, his voice always a little softer when he did. Hikaru learned not to ask questions, though; it was a sure-fire way to get Pavel to change the subject.

He could see the changes, though; Pavel had started to follow Papa around the house like a puppy. Papa let it happen, and there was no doubt in Hikaru's mind that he was doing it on purpose; he was too observant to not see what was happening. Hikaru had watched him, more than once, purposely stop what he was doing so Pavel could be involved. The brightness in Pavel's eyes those few times was impossible to miss, and Hikaru didn't like knowing what was behind it.

Being observant helped bolster his decision to keep his hands and eyes (mostly) to himself. It didn't help much, though, when Hikaru finally made good on his promise and they went drinking with Jim. Because the sight of Pavel bright-eyed and giving real, honest laughs was more than enough to undo all of Hikaru's carefully-constructed walls. At one point, Jim gave him one of those "Well?" looks of his, and Hikaru just shook his head in response. He wasn't in the mood for anything else right now.

Pavel stretched out next to him, his long legs almost peeking from under the table. His head bobbed with the music, even if he sipped his beer like it was piss. He actually said so, after a while.

"It's free piss, you juvenile delinquent, so drink up and be quiet," Jim replied. He was mostly quiet, and a little snippy, like he'd been in a fight and was licking his wounds. Or _wanted_ a fight, the way he gripped his bottle a little too tightly. He managed to smile, though, so Hikaru didn't ask.

Pavel eventually went to find a bathroom, and as soon as he was out of earshot, Jim leaned over. "You've barely looked away from him twice tonight. What's up?"

"Why do you always think something's up?"

"I have a seventh sense for these types of things, Mr. Sulu. Spill or I ask you in front of him when he gets back."

"Will you be able to contain yourself if I tell you I just don't know yet?" Maybe he was being a little harsh, but he was being honest.

"Give me a wild guess and I'll let it go."

Hikaru chewed his lip and studied Jim. He knew better, even after a few weeks of knowing him, than to test him. "I'm just making sure he's okay. We've had a string of bad days."

Jim gave him a look that clearly said he didn't believe a word of it, but didn't press any further. "Hope your luck improves, then," he said, though he sounded like he meant something else entirely.

Hikaru might have been thinking about it too much, actually.

Pavel returned, a victorious look on his face and a bottle of vodka in his hand. "Being cute and charming gets you everything, yes?" he said as he sat.

"Please tell me you didn't get that for free," Jim said. When Pavel nodded smugly, he rolled his eyes. "I've never even managed to swing that. You must be cute to them."

"I think it might have something to do with looking like a troublemaker," Hikaru said. "I never get free booze either." But then, he had also never tried when he was a teenager. No one looked too closely at Pavel's ID chip once they scanned it — it said Starfleet, and that was enough. Hikaru couldn't help but think it was funny how hard his parents had worked to keep him away from this very sort of thing, and now he was helping to enable it.

Pavel downed one shot, then switched to sipping for a long time. Hikaru made a dedicated effort to stop staring, but every now and then he'd catch Jim's eye; he was failing badly.

Once, he caught Jim looking between them, and he looked like the cat who'd gotten the cream.

Hikaru just didn't understand.

* * *

Pavel had grown up in a village in the north of Russia, hours from the big cities whose names non-Russians actually knew. The old world wasn't dead there, and his mother had fed him vodka when he was sick, or had nightmares; just enough to get him to sleep. In the conservatory, he hadn't had more than a sip for three years — enough to sleep, every now and then, but still too much after seeing the bottles pile up around his father. It had gotten easier with time, and now it was _very_ easy, his head on Hikaru's leg and his legs bent so his knees pressed against the wall of the booth. He wasn't _drunk_ by any means, but pleasantly warm, and his mouth had long stopped running.

Hikaru played with his hair while he and Jim argued over something. Once, he tugged a little too hard, and Pavel batted at him, but for the most part it was soothing. He almost fell asleep, but the effort of drinking — water, for the moment — without sitting up was enough to keep him awake. He slipped and sloshed water once, and Hikaru laughed at him.

Compared to everything else they'd come head-to-head with recently, this was nice. For once, he had nothing to worry about.

Hikaru wrapped both hands around the back of his head to support him, after a while, and shuffled so he was balanced on his leg more than anything else. It took Pavel a few minutes before the action caught up to him — he'd been stretched out with his head pressed into Hikaru's crotch.

And that thought made his nerves spark a little with interest.

He stamped them out, because he knew better, even though the thought was pleasant. It was a thought meant for another time, though, and that was enough reason to push it aside. Any other time, he'd be ashamed of himself, but the drink kept it at bay. It wasn't a feeling he missed at all, either.

Jim and Hikaru were talking about their families, and his ears perked up. He didn't have much to add, really, and he'd been stealing a lot of his and Hikaru's conversations lately anyway, so he was content to listen for the moment.

"We have vids of my great-great grandfather talking about his years in the service," Hikaru said. "It was before warp drives were the big thing, hardly anyone in space, so he joined the coast guard. He was boarding Russian vessels," he poked Pavel as he spoke, "and we have one of him talking about how they were so nice to him, offering up vodka like water. And then he'd start finding the contraband, and the more he found, the less English they spoke."

Pavel snorted. "You cannot trust us. Especially if we're sharing our vodka."

"I don't trust you even when you're not sharing it," Jim said, but he was laughing. "But then, I know where it came from. God, that's beautiful. We've got some old journals, nothing that fun."

That's all Pavel had, too. His mother's journal, a big, spiral-bound monstrosity covering the five years up until her death. She'd had more, but he hadn't been able to find them in his rush to leave, and had settled for throwing just the one into his bag. It was the one with the letters to him in it, which warmed his heart, though he would always wish he had the others.

Without a thought, Pavel reached up and grabbed Hikaru's wrist. Hikaru didn't look down at him, but shifted so he could hold Pavel's hand, and squeezed it tightly once. He didn't let go, and Pavel reveled in the easy attention.

Hikaru didn't look down until Jim went for more drinks. "Tell me if you're thinking about going," he said.

Pavel grinned and shook his head. "I'm fine. Hit me if I fall asleep, da?"

Hikaru had a funny look, and it took Pavel a minute to realize that jokes about being hit probably wouldn't be funny for a long time. He offered a smile as a peace offering, and was rewarded with a pat on the head. "Anything you say," Hikaru said. "Don't pass out, I don't want to drag your underage ass to the hospital."

"I am not drunk," Pavel said indignantly. He wasn't. He could still say his alphabet, and count, and solve a quadratic formula, or any other arbitrary test Hikaru wanted to come up with. He was just happy for once. "Just tired. It's late." They'd skipped dinner to come here, too, and while they'd scrounged bar-food to eat, it made him feel sluggish.

To their surprise, Jim agreed. "The wife and kid are gonna start to miss me soon," he quipped. "Best get back and feed the dog, too."

"Tell me you don't have a dog, at least," Hikaru groaned.

"Okay, we don't. But if we did, you know it would be a golden retriever." Shuffling, and Jim stood. "G'night, wonderboys."

They stayed long enough for Hikaru to finish his drink, then left before either could find a second wind. Pavel didn't lean against Hikaru as they walked home, though he wanted to, and shoved his hands in his pockets in a desperate attempt to keep them to himself.

Dammit, the thought was in his head now.


	8. Chapter 8

Days came and went. They were called in for physicals, which Pavel dreaded but bore as steadfastly as he could. He'd gained weight, which was no surprise, but avoided a referral to the 'fleet counselors, which was. Hikaru got the referral, mostly because of the nightmares, and grumbled about it openly. Pavel went with him when he went, hovering in the hall with his PADD, wondering what went on behind soundproofed doors.

Pavel was put on a project not long after — crunching numbers, mostly, after pages of data had been collected by a group of researchers. He threw himself into it without question. It felt good to be _working_ again, even if it was almost mindless. He'd missed the calm security of math, as well, with the certainty that there was always a correct answer.

Blissfully, his body obeyed his commands to behave, and there were few moments where the need to touch were overpowering. Even without it, though, he knew he was getting attached in ways he hadn't intended to. The project didn't help, so much as make the matter more clear as Hikaru's absence weighed on him. It was weird, and a little obsessive, and it felt wrong — except that he was content, his time spent with Hikaru, his thoughts listened to, helping wherever each could. And if he found excuses to press against Hikaru some nights — well, they didn't talk about it, even with each other, so no one was judging.

News was beginning to filter in about their futures. A preliminary report had been released — Pavel glanced through the first few pages, but gave up quickly, unable to stomach the spin that had been used — as well as statements from the council pardoning Jim's method of solving the Kobayashi Maru, and Doctor McCoy's decision to bring Jim aboard. A lot of charges were still pending, but neither Pavel nor Hikaru were on the list.

"Wait," Hikaru said, looking ridiculous as he stood over the waffle-maker in his mother's apron, a measuring cup of batter in one hand. "You don't actually think you should be? Pavel. You didn't do anything."

"Amanda Grayson."

Hikaru's face dropped a little, and he returned to making waffles. "That wasn't your fault. We've been over this."

Pavel gave him a harsh look — he wasn't willing to give in on this. Hikaru gave him one right back, though, and they both backed down after a minute. Pavel picked at the tablecloth for a minute, and let his mouth run without thinking. "I lost my mother because God knew I'd lose his."

"Pavel, that's the most stupid thing I've ever heard."

Pavel leaned on the table, tempted to put his head down on his arms. "It's not stupid."

"You're not a stupid person, Pavel, but that's a stupid thing to think." He came to sit. "Look, you can't believe that God is involved in all of this and believe that he's cruel, too." He reached out and grabbed Pavel's hand.

And then, for the first time, seemed to realize what he'd done. He let go quickly, just short of jerking away. "Sorry."

Pavel jumped at the chance to change the subject. "You're fine. I don't mind."

Hikaru's grin was a little lop-sided, but there. "I guess I'm a little confused right now."

"What's there to be confused about?"

"It's just kind of weird, what we do." He shrugged, and he grinned like it was an apology. "We're just friends, but…"

Pavel squirmed in his seat. "If it's about sleeping together…"

"Kind of."

"We can stop."

Hikaru chewed his lip. "I don't want to. It's just unusual, you know? Sometimes I wonder if this has ever even happened before."

"It's a pity we're scientists, or we'd know something about people," Pavel giggled. "Someone else has to have. It's not like the Narada where it's impossible. It's just…you and me, yes? People do strange things all the time."

Hikaru nodded. "Not hurting anyone, I guess."

"Exactly."

Hikaru grabbed his hand and squeezed, and this time he didn't let go. "Don't feel guilty," He said, and Pavel knew he wasn't talking about their sleep habits. "And if you really do…you can always go talk to Spock, see what he thinks. He's the only one whose opinion matters, right?"

"You know I can't do that." The thought of those empty eyes, and a hand reaching for someone who had never materialized, haunted Pavel some nights.

"I think you'd be surprised. Spock of all people isn't going to blame you for what an _angry future Romulan_ did." Hikaru let go and went to check his waffle. "It's one thing to be hard on yourself for stuff you can change, but this you can't."

Pavel nodded and filed the thought away. Now wasn't the time to be thinking about it.

He went running after breakfast, long and hard until he couldn't breathe and dry-heaved next to a tiny take-out restaurant. He carefully paced his walk home, drenched in sweat.

It wasn't the first time he'd thought of Hikaru's house as "home", but it was the first time he noticed it. Mrs. Sulu took one look at him and sent him to the shower, where he melted into the steam.

* * *

Hikaru hovered in the doorway of Papa's office, debating on his wording for a long minute. "What would you say if I said that Pavel and I weren't normal friends?"

Papa took his glasses off and searched Hikaru for a minute. "Didn't I include this when I gave you The Talk?"

Hikaru dropped into the chair next to him and laughed. "This isn't the 'Dad, I think I'm gay,' talk. It's…Dad, I'm a little confused."

He set his PADD down with his glasses and gave Hikaru his full attention. "All right, tell me."

Hikaru took a deep breath, and spoke in a rush. Papa grinned broader the longer Hikaru spoke, and when Hikaru finished, shook his head. "Hikaru, I thought you were too old to be this blind. I should make you figure it out on your own."

"I can figure it out, but point me in the right direction at least."

Papa laughed at that. "You're going in the right direction if you came to me to ask, Hikaru."

"You're beating around the bush."

"You haven't said why you're not just chasing him." Papa crossed his legs and studied Hikaru a moment longer. Hikaru did his best not to squirm under his gaze. "Why keep it as friends?"

Hikaru shrugged and chewed his lip. "I have almost everything I could want. We trust each other, we can talk, we care…" He stared at the wall, avoiding his father's gaze. "We sleep together."

"You know…"

"Just sleep."

"For now."

Hikaru lifted an eyebrow. "What, it can't last?"

"If you were fine with just that, you wouldn't be here. I'm not stupid, Hikaru — you want to be _lovers_ , not friends. You just don't want to admit it."

This was why Hikaru loved his father — brutal honesty and an understanding of what one needed to hear. "I guess that's it."

"Of course it is. So, I'll ask again, why haven't you gone after him? If it's something with being gay —"

"It's not."

"You shouldn't be worrying what people think anyway. If you care about him, his opinion is the only one that matters."

Hikaru nodded; this much he understood. "It's just that I think he has enough to deal with without this."

"Or this could be the best thing you do for him, because it'll get him away from the rest of it." He paused to think. "Give him a little credit, he's more of an adult than you think."

"Dad, you know statutory rape still exists."

"You're giving yourself too much credit. I said I think he'd be accepting, I didn't say you'd get what you wanted right away."

"You're making this difficult on purpose." Hikaru grinned because it was kind of funny, but he was frustrated and still unsure of what he actually needed to do.

"I can't just hand you all the answers, you've got to figure some of them out. I'll give you this much: offer him the option and let him decide where it goes for a while. Everyone likes to be in control every now and then." He reached for his PADD and his glasses once more. "And don't _do_ anything, for the love of God. Just put the idea in his head."

Hikaru rolled his eyes and made to leave. "Thanks for everything."

"Hikaru."

"Yes?"

Papa looked at him over his wire frames. "Don't pretend you waited until you were eighteen, either."

"I'm going to go back to pretending you didn't know that." With that, Hikaru fled.

* * *

Trained for tactical, the first thing Pavel did in any situation was seek out what didn't belong. If the pattern could be broken up, victory could be produced out of the confusion. So Pavel picked up on the tension in the room fast. He had PADDs strewn across the table, a stylus in hand, and three columns of equations running, erroring out, being tweaked into submission. The work was tedious — if he was still in classes he would call it busywork — and made harder by Starfleet's decision to omit a large portion of information regarding the source of the data. It kept him busy, though, and asking questions would just get it taken from him. He didn't know how long he'd been working when a hand on his shoulder startled him, and he looked up at Hikaru, relieved to have a distraction.

Before he could say anything, Hikaru's hand went from shoulder to face and he kissed Pavel, gently, on the lips. Pavel melted against it, his brain turning off while he just enjoyed. When Hikaru pulled away — he was always the one pulling away! — he barely looked Pavel in the eye, and actually half-fled from the room. Pavel let him, unsure what had just happened.


	9. Chapter 9

Pavel drummed his fingers on the table for a moment, dazed and unsure, until one of the PADDs bleeped for his attention. It was less than a second to send it working through the next version of the formula on his list, and once he had he laid his head on his arms. His face burned where Hikaru's hands had been, and his lips buzzed with feeling. It was exactly what he wanted, except not. It was a sweet invitation, but at the same time, it left an uncomfortable silence where before they'd been able to talk.

Not that he was good at talking, but it seemed like since coming here he had gotten used to blurting out his every thought. He knew he'd always get a response, at least, helpful or not. He realized he was chewing his lip, a sure sign he was over-thinking it, and backtracked. As soon as one of his PADDs blinked again, he grabbed it and began to scribble. It wasn't entirely sound, but it was better than chasing the thoughts around and around his mind. It wasn't the most elegant way to go about it, but it worked.

> Facts:  
> A: Hikaru is a friend  
> B: Friends do not kiss  
> C: Hikaru kissed me  
> D: Kissing is a sign of affection  
> E: I have affection for Hikaru
> 
> B ^ A :. Hikaru should not have kissed me.  
> B ^ A V C :. If Hikaru kissed me, then he is not a friend (C -> ~B)  
> C ^ D :. Hikaru has affection for me.  
> D ^ E :. I should kiss Hikaru

He studied it until one of the other PADDs bleeped that it had finished an equation. He forced the other PADDs to quit, and then scribbled out the only part of it that didn't make sense.

> B ^ A V C :. If Hikaru kissed me, then he is not a friend (C -> ~B)  
> C ^ D :. Hikaru has affection for me.  
> D ^ E :. I should kiss Hikaru

. . . Much better.

He packed it all into a bag, then went upstairs.

* * *

It hadn't been nearly as well-planned and cunning as his father had intended, but Hikaru wasn't good at talking, either. Doing was just as good, as far as he was concerned. Blunt and obvious as easy enough, though it made his palms sweat and heart clench enough to send him running right after. He'd paced his room like a caged lion for a long time, desperately wanting to go explain, but unwilling to do more damage. And so he waited, instead.

Pavel came up a little over an hour later, dropping a bag on the desk before crawling on top of Hikaru where he lay on the bed. Hikaru lay still while Pavel studied him for a moment, knees on the outsides of Hikaru's thighs, and then kissed him lightly on the corner of his mouth, like an experiment. He didn't dare breathe, in case it scared Pavel away, and let his eyes flutter shut.

Pavel settled on top of him, chest to chest, just resting there. "You could have warned me."

Hikaru choked out a laugh, and wrapped both arms around Pavel's waist. "Didn't have time, sorry."

"This is weird."

Hikaru sucked in a breath and let it out slowly. "Yeah, it is. I'm sorry."

Pavel rested his chin on Hikaru's chest to look him in the eye. "Don't be sorry. But 'Karu, we don't —" he stopped, took a breath, started again. "We'll talk." It was half a question.

Hikaru played with his hair. "Of course. Ball's in your court."

Pavel looked like he didn't like the thought of that, his nose wrinkling. "I don't think that is a good idea."

"I do. You know what you need, Pavel."

Pavel shook his head. "We both have things to work on, 'Karu. Then we'll be able to do this."

Hikaru didn't move, and kept petting Pavel's hair, but a knot formed in his gut at that. "What kind of things? Talk to me."

Pavel made a face. "Where can I start? We might not be put together, Hikaru. There is no way to know for weeks yet."

This was the sort of thing Hikaru could handle, at least, as he rubbed Pavel's back with both palms. "Word is they're going to give Jim the Enterprise. You know he'd draft us if we weren't first in line anyway."

Pavel propped himself up on his elbows, bringing their hips into contact. "Hikaru, the admiralty is not giving Kirk the Enterprise and we both know it. If he does, I will be the first on the list, as you say, but more likely we will be assigned randomly to different ships and never see each other again."

Hikaru didn't want to admit that these were all things he had worried about. "We're kids, still. People have made it through worse, and we can find a way. Five years apart might just make it better." At Pavel's skeptical look, he backtracked. "If it's long-distance, it's long-distance. We wouldn't be the first to do it."

"And if we do somehow manage to be in the right place…" Pavel shook his head. "It will be hard, is all. Anything worth having is."

"What makes it hard then?" He honestly wasn't sure.

"We both have things to take care of," Pavel said again. "I know I do, at least. You might not have so many."

Hikaru thought about his mostly-silent sessions with the 'Fleet's counselor, and figured maybe he did. "We'll take care of what we need to. There's no rush, Pavel."

Pavel shifted, rubbing them together, and Hikaru tried to resist the urge to roll his head back. He was over-sensitive, his whole body already on fire where Pavel's weight had settled. Innocent shuffling would be the death of him, he knew. He tried to force himself to focus on what Pavel was saying, and was happy with what he heard.

"I am not saying we have to put it aside completely."

Hikaru took that as a cue to shut him up, tugging him up for a kiss. This alone was still new to him, and his senses exploded with the taste and feeling of it. "It's fine to go slow," he hummed softly against Pavel's cheek. "This is all new to me."

Pavel licked back into his mouth, and they just explored for a few minutes, until Pavel sat back and discovered Hikaru's interest. He choked on a giggle, giving Hikaru a look.

Hikaru bit his lip, trying to resist the urge to laugh, and watched Pavel as well. It was only a moment before they both lost it, pressing their faces into the bed to keep from bringing the entire house to the door with their laughs. "Maybe you should take care of that, yes?" Pavel choked after a while.

He had never thought he could be so mortified, if he was honest. He poked Pavel in retaliation, and then made his way to the bathroom, leaving Pavel in the bed. He felt Pavel's eyes on him as he went.

It could be a lot worse.

* * *

Pavel laid on his back in the bed, trying to will his own body to behave. He was amused, which helped more than anything else, unravelling some of the tension in his stomach. It hadn't been a mistake, at least, and that left him feeling relieved.

Hikaru returned a few minutes later, a little red-faced, and laid with him again. "I swear, we spend half our lives in this bed."

"It'll change soon." Pavel nuzzled into Hikaru's chest, a familiar move in a series of completely new ones. "I'll miss it when it does."

"Hopefully this is how we'll spend our time off," Hikaru mumbled. "You really don't think we'll be together?"

Pavel wavered. He knew how unlikely it was, given everything, but he couldn't help but hope. "The odds are against us, is all. It can still go either way."

"We will be." He sounded sure, and Pavel wanted to believe him.

They lay there for a while, kissing when they ran out of things to say, getting used to each other. They only pulled themselves apart when they started to smell food from downstairs; Pavel went to work on his report before dinner, while Hikaru went to help with the cooking. Pavel didn't miss the look that passed between Hikaru and his father when he finally joined them, but he had no idea what it meant.

Sitting across from Hikaru at dinner had never seemed like torture before, but tonight it was all he could do not to drag him back upstairs. He knew he wasn't ready for much more than they'd had, but it didn't stop him from looking forward to it. If nothing else, it was motivation to stop avoiding the things he knew he had to do, hard as they were. Hikaru would be proud, even if they didn't help as much as Pavel hoped.

He ate slowly that night, to give himself more time to think.

* * *

Papa knew. Hikaru didn't know how he knew, but he did, and the longer Hikaru thought about it the more he was surprised he hadn't expected this. Of course he knew. He always knew. And he was watching Pavel like he was expecting him to shatter from Hikaru's poor handling. As much as he loved Papa, he knew he still wasn't trusted completely. He wasn't sure if he deserved that distrust or not, even now.

He was content as it was, though, frustrated trip to the bathroom, and dirty looks from his father notwithstanding. He had all he could ask for — a promise that they would move forward and work toward something. Anything more than that would have been sudden and frightening, and while he had hoped for it, he knew he would have been out of his league. His short time spent mapping the straight lines of Pavel's body had been enough for him to understand that this would take getting used to.

Luckily, they had time.

He hovered after dinner, unsure whether he was going to be cornered. Pavel had followed Mama into another room to finish a story he was telling, and he could hear them laughing over it. Papa avoided Hikaru's eyes, focusing entirely on the newspaper on his PADD. Hikaru wiped down the counters in the kitchen while the moment settled.

"He hasn't run away." Papa didn't look up.

"He's not going to."

Papa gave him a look this time, one he'd seen before, and Hikaru suddenly figured it out. "You're protecting him." He remembered pointing out to his father that Pavel had come to consider them family, even if he still did not call them Mama and Papa. With that in mind, his behavior seemed so right.

"Someone has to," was all Papa said.

Hikaru nodded, and grinned at him. "I won't disappoint you."


	10. Chapter 10

The halls of the Academy were filled with small, makeshift memorials, as if to make up for the lack of a unified one. Pavel felt detached as he passed each one, as if he had missed out by living off-campus. Notes, flowers, holos, among other things were strewn at each one, and at points he was unsure where one began and the next ended. Most were placed in front of doors that would remain empty for the rest of the semester, though others were spread in seemingly random places.

It made Pavel's heart heavy to see them, and he wondered how many wouldn't be remembered. Hovering outside of the door he sought, he said a prayer for all of them, and took a few deep breaths before he found his courage. He stepped forward, and buzzed the door.

There was a long moment of silence, and Pavel wondered if, perhaps, he had missed his chance, and Mr. Spock was not in his quarters. A single moment of panic, before the door opened for him with a soft _woosh_. Pavel stepped inside, hesitant.

"Can I help you, Mr. Chekov?" Spock asked. He had come to stand in the middle of the room, but the pile of PADDs on his desk indicated that he had been working.

Pavel clasped his hands behind his back as the door _woodshed_ shut behind him. "I am sorry to interrupt, Commander," he began. He paused. Took a breath. Started, stopped. There was a small display on a tabletop in the corner, with a holo and a sunflower — he recognized Amanda Grayson even from across the room. "I --" He stopped again, and scuffed his foot into the carpet.

Now that the moment had come, he did not know what to say.

Mr. Spock folded his hands neatly behind his back, and listened, patiently, until the silence had stretched far too long. "Did your visit have a purpose?" he asked.

Pavel nodded. "I wished to -- to apologize, Mr. Spock. For whatever it is worth. I am sorry I could not save your mother." He scuffed his feet again, and looked at the floor.

There was a long, heavy silence. "Mr. Chekov," Spock said, at last, and Pavel's stomach clenched. "You should know that you were not responsible for her death. Your apology is...appreciated, but unnecessary."

Pavel's head snapped up. "Sir?"

"Mr. Chekov," Mr. Spock said, taking a step forward. "Nero killed my mother. You were the only person on the ship who could have performed such a maneuver to save her, and though you were unsuccessful, you performed to the best of your abilities. It would be illogical for you to be blamed."

Pavel could feel his heart clenching. Absolution. He was being offered absolution. "Thank you, Sir." He said. That was not enough, though. He tried to remember the proper words, in English, but they would not come. "I am sorry that you lost her," he said after a moment. It came out in a rush.

If it was possible, Mr. Spock looked surprised. "Your concern is appreciated," he said. "However, Mr. Chekov, I hesitate to point out that it is illogical to feel regret for the loss of someone you did not know."

Pavel nodded. "It is," he agreed. "But I do not think you would have fought Kirk for her if her loss had not been terrible. I am sure she was a wonderful woman."

A heavy silence hung, and Pavel wanted desperately to fill it. _I lost my mother, I know your pain, do you dream about her voice, are you afraid of forgetting her?_

"You lost your mother as well," Spock said, after a moment. Pavel's surprise must have shown on his face, because Spock added, "I have read your records, during the course of the Enterprise's investigation." There was a silence that Pavel would have described as awkward had it not involved Mr. Spock. "Thank you, Mr. Chekov. Your duty has been done."

Pavel wanted to say something more, but simply nodded before leaving, heart clenching in his chest. He made it almost all the way to the quad before leaning against the wall next to a memorial and sending a message to Hikaru.

The response was almost immediate. Come home.

A cold, drizzling rain had started while he was indoors, and fog was hovering over the bay, ready to roll over the land before long. Pavel didn't run home, though he wanted to, counting the steps it took before he was at the door, being wrapped, wet sweater and all, in a hug. Hikaru tugged him in from the rain, and held him at arm's length after a moment. "How'd it go?"

Pavel stared blankly at him, unsure whether Hikaru was serious or not, but was able to relax when Hikaru hugged him again. "Bad joke, sorry."

Pavel didn't have anything to say, so he leaned his head against Hikaru's neck and tried not to cry, instead.

"THAT bad?" Hikaru asked, rubbing his back and tugging Pavel away from the door.

"Have you been? There are..." He had to search for the right word. "Shrines? For the dead, in the halls."

Hikaru rubbed at the back of Pavel's neck. "Someone you knew?"

"All of them were known by someone, 'Karu. How many only knew other people who died? They'll be forgotten." His breath hitched.

Hikaru did his best to soothe, with firm hands and a tiny kiss near his ear. "They won't be. Even if no one else thinks of them, you have."

At the thought of that kind of responsibility, Pavel finally cried.

* * *

Hikaru pulled them to sit on the sofa, and offered what he could. He did what he figured was the smart thing, and shut up, letting his touches speak for him. Pavel let loose big, gasping sobs, and clung to Hikaru like he was the only thing keeping Pavel grounded.

Pavel stopped before he hyperventilated, thankfully, but it was a close call. Hikaru didn't let go, afraid of giving mixed signals, until Pavel pulled away. His eyes were red and raw, and he pecked Hikaru on the cheek after a long moment. "Thank you. I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for, I keep telling you." He pulled Pavel to lean against him. "You did the right thing, I'm sure of it."

Pavel shrugged like he didn't have anything to say. "He forgave me. But Hikaru, it makes me think." He wibbled, like it was the last thing he wanted in the entire world, and Hikaru stroked his cheek.

"Tell me what you're thinking," he begged.

Pavel shrugged and rubbed at his eyes. "We say we're safer here, but we're not. All those Vulcans were on-planet, or what if he had done the same to earth? We're never safe at all."

Hikaru kissed Pavel's forehead because he had no good response. "We're not," he admitted, knowing better than to lie to anyone upset. "Pavel, we're not safe. That's why we have to just do our best with what we have, in case it's over soon."

Pavel's grip tightened in Hikaru's shirt. "I've done so much wrong."

He shushed Pavel gently. "Don't think like that, Pavel. You've done your best, that's all anyone can ask for."

Pavel leaned against Hikaru's breastbone, and Hikaru took that as a cue to shut up. He rubbed Pavel's back, trying to understand what he was seeing. He was surprised when Pavel tugged on his shirt, and started to move away. "Come on, 'Karu."

Hikaru followed, though he remained unsure. In their shared room, Pavel kissed Hikaru, tears on his cheeks. Then he tugged on Hikaru's shirt, trying to pull it off, and choked on another sob.

Hikaru grabbed for Pavel's hands, and kissed his cheeks. "What are you doing?"

"Making things right," Pavel said softly. "'Karu, please."

Hikaru shook his head, kissed Pavel again, gentle and intimate without pushing furthur. He wasn't going to do this to Pavel, even if he wanted it; he wasn't that type of person. "Don't make decisions when you're upset, Pavel. Come on, we'll take care of you and then talk about it."

Pavel shook his head. "'Karu, _please_."

"No." Hikaru wrapped Pavel into his arms again, terrified that they were going to make a mistake. "We'll have time, Pavel. When we're both ready and not trying to force it." It would have been a great approach, he had to admit, if Pavel wasn't on the verge of a panic attack. "Breathe."

It took Pavel a long time to finally stop, though he still shook once he had. He resisted any kind of pressure to move away from Hikaru, and Hikaru gave up trying quickly. He was content to hold his Pavel anyway, and even as he thought it, he marveled at how right the pronoun seemed. His. Hikaru wasn't usually the possessive type, but he could certainly make exceptions.

Finally, Pavel pulled away, and went to scrub his face in the bathroom. Hikaru hovered a moment before going downstairs once more. He made tea the way his father always had, and forced Pavel to drink it when he came down. "It'll make you feel better."

Pavel turned his nose up at it, but ended up drinking it anyway. Some of the tension in his neck released, even if he cringed at the taste. Hikaru kissed him on the cheek before he'd drained it all. "Don't move, I'll be right back. I want to show you something."

What he wanted was right where he had left it, hidden between a pair of books in the living room. Hikaru had forgotten about it almost entirely until Pavel mentioned failing, and now he fretted over neglecting it. He brought it to the kitchen, and set it in front of Pavel. "I started it when I was a lot younger. It's a catalogue of everything I've failed at, so I'll learn my lesson." He blushed as he spoke, still ashamed of some of the things recorded there. "I was a perfectionist."

Like father, like son.

Most of what was in the book was minor, he knew. The older he got, though, the bigger some of the failures had become, and he made sure to remember them all. Pavel flicked through, eyes widening at some, but didn't comment for a long time. When he did, it wasn't what Hikaru had expected. "Why are you showing me this?"

"You said you've made mistakes," Hikaru said, leaning in so that their heads almost touched. "I have too. The best I think I've found to do is try not to make them again. Regretting doesn't fix anything."

Pavel crossed the gap so their foreheads touched. "And if I want to do more?"

Hikaru shook his head. "You've done what you can; you've said you're sorry." He thought about apologizing to Pavel for what had happened with Andrei. "Sometimes all people want is for someone to take the blame."

Pavel kissed him on the lips, though it was still chaste. "I hope you're right."

Hikaru grinned. "Ready for the good news?"

"Hm?"

"Kirk got the Enterprise today. I think you owe me a drink."


	11. Chapter 11

Pavel had honestly thought that he and Hikaru would have to have a conversation about being across the galaxy from each other. He'd been ready with ideas to make it easier, unwilling to give up what he'd finally gotten after so long hoping for it. But now he didn't have to, and the weight of it was gone. Jim had called them that night, to ask if they'd be on his crew, happy, but serious as if they were already on duty. Pavel found himself mimicking it, letting the reality of five years in space sink in properly.

He couldn't wait.

Beneath being professional, Jim looked thrilled. "We're looking at eight weeks of repairs left, if they don't drag their feet. Just enough time to get all the paperwork done. It's a quick departure, but the longer we wait the more we risk getting commandeered for something else."

Hikaru nodded. "We'll do what we have to to make it."

Pavel nodded in agreement. The thought of being back among the stars ignited something in him. Jim gave them one of his giant smiles. "I'll forward you what needs to be done, and I'll let you know when the party's going to be."

"Because that's what we all _really_ want to know," Hikaru said.

Jim winked. "It won't be long, trust me. As you were, gentlemen," and then he was gone.

Pavel leaned his head on Hikaru's shoulder while he let it sink in. "Five years is a long time."

Hikaru gave him a look like he hadn't expected that. "Second thoughts?"

"Of course not. Just thinking out loud." It's not like he had any reason to stay, his life having lost all hold years ago, and only now finding it again. "Where else would I go?"

Hikaru just shrugged. "Seemed weird, coming from you, is all. Just wondered if it was something that needed talking about."

"Just seems like a long time. We haven't even been in the academy that long, you know. I don't think I've done anything over five years." It was a bold lie. He'd been mourning for five years. But it didn't seem relevant.

"Crazy to think about. But space, right? That's what it's all about." Hikaru grinned like a child with a new toy. "All for us to run out and discover."

He said it like the galaxy was his sandbox.

Which, really, was the kind of thought process Pavel could get behind.

Hikaru's parents weren't surprised, though perhaps a bit disappointed. "You'll be spending more time with us, then," his mother said, "if you're going to be running off soon."

It took Pavel a long moment to realize she was talking to both of them, and when he did, his heart swelled. Oh yes, this life was beginning to grow roots.

That night, when he prayed, he prayed "thank yous," and not a single "please."

* * *

The paperwork forced Pavel to think about things he didn't want to, normally. There were decisions he had to make, all of a sudden, about what he wanted if he died, and who needed to be contacted. More than half of the things that needed signing were in the same vein, and it took him a few days to think about it. In the end, he wrote in Hikaru's parents for everything. He hid it from Hikaru, ashamed, though he wasn't sure why.

Between finishing his report for Starfleet and their collective preparations, it was hard to find time with each other. At night, their clothes went, and while they didn't go far, they took the time to get used to each other. Using his hands came naturally to Pavel, and mouth and lips came soon after, guided by Hikaru's patient hands.

Which meant that his next physical left him red-faced. "Did we not do this not long ago?"

Dr. Jameson swung on his stool. "Half the people on your ship weren't there when we did the first round, and those that were can't be judged whether they're fit based on those physicals; it's not really fair. So we get to do the whole shebang again."

Pavel swung his legs over the edge of the cot. "Anything you say."

Pavel had the distinct advantage of being in fantastic health, but was still nervous when Jameson went for his PADD and started taking notes. "None of my business, but you know I have to ask: are you sexually active?"

His cheeks were burning. "Yes?"

Jameson nodded at him. "Congratulations. I get to ask you the uncomfortable questions now."

Pavel wanted to sink in the floor. "Of course."

"I'll try to make it quick and painless. I need to know how long, and, I promise none of this is on the record, but what you've done." He fiddled with the PADD, as if not looking Pavel in the eye made saying it easier.

Pavel took a deep breath and wrung his hands. "A few weeks." He stared at the ceiling, where there was a happy face sticker stuck. "O-oral only."

Soft tapping on the PADD's screen made Pavel panic. "You said —"

"Relax, I'm not writing it down, I'm putting in an order for a test. Have you had any abnormal reactions or changes?"

Pavel didn't look at him to make sure he was telling the truth, but kept his eyes on the smiley face. "None."

"Male, female, alien?"

Pavel did blink at him at that. "Excuse me?"

Jameson didn't laugh, which Pavel was afraid of, just looked evenly at him. "The person you're with."

He felt like an idiot. "Male." He looked back at the ceiling. "Do you need to know who?"

"If you want to tell me you can, but I'm actually not supposed to ask."

Pavel bit his lip. He definitely didn't want him to know, but at the same time, the urge to tell someone, to make it real that way, was almost enough to change his mind. "No, thank you."

"Figured as much. Have you been using protection of any sort?"

Pavel was sure he was going to have a permanent burn on his cheeks. "No."

More tapping. "I've got a pretty basic test for you, which will check for everything, and I'm going to send you off with a few things." He reached around and dug a PADD chip out of his drawer. "This is mostly information, so you know your risk factors and such. We can either go through it together, or you can on your own time. I suggest going through it with your partner."

Pavel sniffed. "I will do that, thank you." He had no intention of it, but it was always best to keep doctors happy, he figured.

"And last," he said, holding out a card. "This is the number to call if you're ever the victim of a sexual crime, or you feel threatened by your partner in any way. It's anonymous, and I hope you never have to use it." He grinned, like it was a cosmic joke.

Pavel took the card, suddenly not in the mood for anyone's help. "Thank you."

When he went to stand in line for the test, he saw Hikaru in front of him, and they deftly avoided eye contact the entire time. He was done in only a few minutes, and exited the building only to be tackled from the side.

"You looked so scared," Hikaru laughed. "Papers are in. Clean bill of health. I think we should celebrate."

Pavel nodded, trying not to think about halls filled with memorials or hotlines for those who hurt. "What do you have in mind?"

"Taking you home and showing you a good time."

Pavel hesitated, mind racing for a minute, and Hikaru got serious. "Only if you want. We could go eat, too."

He grinned at that. For a single moment, he'd worried, but he knew better. Hikaru wasn't going to hurt him, even if someone else had. "Home," he said, and that was all he needed to.

* * *

He was getting used to being naked.

Until now, he hadn't let anyone see him naked. Letting go of his fear, and letting Hikaru run hands down his stomach, across his hips, muscles fluttering beneath. Hikaru knew how to use his lips and tongue to his advantage, though sometimes he missed the mark, not used to a flat chest, or hips that didn't curve.

Tonight it was Pavel's long legs that got him, knocked in the chin with a knee, which sent them both rolling with giggles. It made everything easier, knowing that it didn't have to be serious. Pavel kissed along Hikaru's jaw in apology. "I hope it doesn't bruise."

"I'll come up with a great story in case it does." Hikaru caught his lips, and somehow they rolled over in the tiny bed, Pavel shuffling down to blow him in apology.

Hikaru still guided him, and he felt like he was clumsy in comparison, even though they were both new to this. Pavel took as much as he could, relaxing into it, coming up to tongue at the head before going down again, sometimes still going too far. Hikaru bit his lips to keep moans back, and wound his hand in Pavel's hair, and tugged when he was close.

Pavel moved to kiss him, stroking Hikaru through the end. The tiny whimper that he came with was enough to leave Pavel hard and panting too.

They lay together for a minute, bodies sticky with sweat and come. They shared languid kisses until Hikaru pulled on Pavel's hips, rubbing them together. He mumbled something complimentary, and Pavel whimpered. "Shut up, 'Karu."

"Can't wait to have more room to do this," Hikaru said, then nibbled at an earlobe. "And not have to be quiet."

Pavel bowed his head to suck at Hikaru's neck, to try to keep from moaning. Hikaru took the hint, and finally wrapped his fingers around Pavel, teasing with short, loose strokes, then firmer, longer ones. Pavel finally buried his face in Hikaru's neck, sighing when he finally came.

It was another minute before either of them was able to move enough to grab for the towel they'd started to keep nearby. "We'll need a shower," Hikaru said, pushing Pavel over so he could wipe at his stomach.

Pavel just lay there, and caught Hikaru's wrist once the towel had been thrown away. He wanted to say something significant, though he wasn't sure what. Finally, uncomfortable under the expectant look, he just grinned. "My doctor gave me the sexual information chip."

Hikaru actually laughed out loud. "I thought they were done handing those things out by now. No one ever reads them. Did you tell him we'd do it together?"

Pavel nodded. "I think we can skip pregnancy, though."

Hikaru kissed his nose and snickered. "We'll skip the whole thing and teach each other. We're clean, we just need to not sleep around."

"No worries." Pavel knew that he, at least, wasn't about to throw away what he'd so suddenly been handed.

"None at all." Hikaru pressed a kiss to his forehead, then untangled himself from the sheets. "I'm going to shower." He pulled on a pair of loose-fitting sweatpants. "Educate yourself while I'm gone."

Pavel flipped him off, just because he could, and rolled over to doze. It was uncomfortable, knowing they were doing this under the noses of Hikaru's parents, but soon they'd be doing this on a ship, and more. He wanted to wait at least that long before they moved further, if only so there wouldn't be fear of being caught.

This would do quite nicely for now.

Hikaru returned a few minutes later, and Pavel watched him dress with idle interest. Hikaru caught him watching and smiled. "Enjoying the view?"

Pavel just grinned back. "My mother would be glad I'm with you." He didn't know where the thought had come from, or why he said it, but the blush that crept across Hikaru's cheeks was more than worth it.

"If you ever think she wouldn't be, tell me. It means I'm not doing my job."

Pavel nodded, but he knew it wouldn't happen.


	12. Chapter 12

The ship was ready in six weeks, which meant a rush to prepare for departure. Jim never did have his party, but Hikaru thought that if he and Pavel were as busy as they were — and he hadn't had much of a moment to think at all, really — then the 'Fleet must be running Jim ragged. They made sure to be there when he was given his captaincy, though, and it was a relief to know that it was real. They were able to corner Pike, as well, and wish him the best with his recovery.

The night before the left, their few bags were taken to be transported to the ship, and they made sure everything was finished so they could stay home. Mama did her best imitation of Pavel's soup, though it wasn't quite the same, and when they were done Papa ducked into his bedroom. When he returned, Hikaru blinked blankly at him.

Two thousand paper cranes, hanging by strings in a mass of colour, one set in each hand. Papa hung them both from hooks in the window, meant for Mama's summer flower pots, and then came to sit with them. "I started them, to make sure you would return to us," he said. "And then you did, so I continued when I saw that you both were pining for the other. And then you figured that out for yourself as well." He smiled at them both. "This is my hope: that you both find peace for yourselves."

Hikaru glanced over, and Pavel's eyes were big and bright with shock. His lower lip wobbled, but he was smiling. "Thank you." His voice was thick.

Papa looked like he wanted to say something heavy, but for once, didn't. He nodded, and just said, "Make sure you both come back."

"We will," Hikaru said. He said it like he was was sure, even though he knew the odds were stacked against them.

Pavel nodded. "Absolutely."

Every time Hikaru looked over for the rest of the evening, Pavel was staring at the cranes. He thought about the two that they'd been given when they first came here, and warmed with the knowledge that this parents had seen everything before even he and Pavel had understood what was happening. Mama cried while she ate, and gave crushing hugs when they came for them.

That night they didn't do anything, just lay like it was the first night all over again, kissing lazily. "We'll take care of each other," Pavel said in a tiny voice.

"Of course we will." Hikaru kissed him and nuzzled his collarbone.

They didn't sleep.

They were up at 0430, and dressed in the dark, struggling to keep space between them when all they wanted was to stay in bed, keep their bodies pressed together for warmth. The cranes were hung outside when they left, to be eaten away at by the elements, and even though all good-byes had been said the night before, they both looked up to see Hikaru's parents watching them go.

The fog was heavy in the dark, and they stuck close, their gold tunics sticking to their backs. It was a mile to the hanger, where they'd take a shuttle to the _Enterprise_.

Jim kirk was hanging by their shuttle, looking both aimless and completely poised to leap into his work. He grinned at them, and they saluted him.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Absolutely." Hikaru felt like there should be something more to say, but couldn't think of anything worth the moment. "The real question is, are you?"

"Born ready." Jim nudged him. "If we don't fly into a star the first hour out, I think we'll be okay."

"I'm not the one to be looking at, then. I just fly the thing, this one —" He poked Pavel in the side, making him jump. "Sets the course."

Pavel managed to look offended. "I don't need to fly us into a star to get rid of you, 'Karu. I can do it much easier."

Jim rolled his eyes and waved them into the shuttle. "Behave, children, or I'll pull us over and you'll all go to bed without leaving Spacedock."

* * *

Hikaru's quarters were bigger than the room he and Pavel had shared, though the bed was smaller. He took time to put away his belongings, and to make note of his second time forgetting the parking break in his book of failures. He and Pavel sent messages with their door codes to each other, and it was Hikaru who used the information first. "We've been in my room for months," he said when Pavel opened his mouth to ask. "Time for a change."

Pavel answered with a tiny kiss, just a swipe of tongue across lips and then a gentle tug toward the bed. "This time I will give you everything," he said. Hikaru let himself be tugged along, though he had other ideas, rolling Pavel onto his back in the bed and mouthing at his neck.

He earned a few approving noises, and settled himself on top of Pavel for a long time, unwilling to push further. It was a new world, aboard their ship again, and even though Pavel had offered, Hikaru wouldn't be the one to move first. Besides, he wasn't going to take, not tonight. He knew that Pavel would give and give until he had nothing left, if he let him, and somehow this seemed like an important step — to let Pavel take, first.

Pavel finally shifted, groping Hikaru through his uniform pants, and they both made happy noises. Hikaru tried to tip them, so they could roll, but was blocked by he bulkhead and almost sent Pavel into the floor. They giggled while they rearranged themselves, until Pavel was straddling him, pulling Hikaru's shirt over his head.

Hikaru stopped him with a hand and pulled him down to kiss. "I want you to take me tonight."

Pavel gave him a look like Hikaru wasn't speaking Standard anymore. "I have never, 'Karu. I don't know how."

"I know you haven't, but I'm sure you know. You've checked on it. I know you too well."

Pavel's blush gave him away.

"I trust you," Hikaru said. He nibbled along Pavel's jaw, light and teasing, then snaked a hand between them. "I brought stuff."

Pavel batted his hands away, and removed both condoms and lubricant from Hikaru's pockets before removing the pants as well. He kissed along the skin he revealed, covering as much as he could reach with love before moving on, nosing under the hem of Hikaru's shirt before pulling it away, successfully this time.

Hikaru laid back and let himself enjoy the attention, threading hands through Pavel's hair. Pavel finally pulled away to strip his own uniform off, and nudged Hikaru's legs open.

Hikaru forced himself to breathe normally.

A small pop of the cap, and a moment of aching when they didn't touch, and then cool, slick fingers probed at him. Pavel went slowly, and made soothing noises when Hikaru squirmed. Hikaru could feel the hand that wasn't occupied trembling against his thigh.

Pavel nuzzled his belly when he finally added a second finger, kissing at Hikaru's navel. "Tell me to stop."

"I will."

It ached, but it wasn't unpleasant, and Pavel's fingers finally found their mark, which sent a spark of electricity through his body. Pavel did it again, and when Hikaru craned his neck he could see a teasing smile quirking at his mouth. Hikaru tried to bat at him, but ended halfway with a moan, hand gripping in the sheets instead.

The third finger was a surprise, and for a moment Hikaru stiffened against it. Pavel used his free hand to stroke Hikaru, trying to pique the interest of his soft member, and after a moment he relaxed again. The feeling of being full and stretched was new and so very unusual, and Hikaru stayed very still while Pavel worked. It wasn't comfortable...but it didn't hurt, either.

Pavel finally pulled away, and dug under the bed for a towel to wipe his hand on. He took a moment to lap and suck at Hikaru's cock, as if in reward for being good. They both had to fish in the sheets for the condom, lost in their work, frustrated that they had to part to do it. Lubricant was applied liberally, and they tangled their hands together when Pavel lined up. Finally, Pavel was pushing in, slow and shaking with the effort not to thrust.

It hurt. He squeezed Pavel's hand and whimpered, and Pavel stopped, supporting himself on one hand.

Hikaru shifted enough to kiss him. Pavel was breathing hard, flushed down his neck and across his chest. "Stop?" he choked.

"Just for a minute," Hikaru promised. He breathed through it, until the pain settled into a dull, aching fullness. "Okay."

Pavel had his teeth clamped down on his lower lip, face twisted with concentration, but small noises of pleasure escaped through the barricade. Finally, he was in, and they both panted for a long moment. "So good," Pavel breathed, ducking his head so he could steal a kiss. "Thank you, thank you, spasiba..."

Hikaru shifted his hips, then licked Pavel's lips. "Shut up and move."

Pavel did; quick, short strokes, with soft moans and to go with. Hikaru rolled his hips as the strokes got longer, deeper, and every now and then caught that point in him that sent sparks flying. Pavel licked at his clavicle, crying out in Russian, and wormed a hand between them to help Hikaru along.

It didn't take much to tip him over the edge, really.

Pavel came while Hikaru spasmed around him, too, and bit Hikaru's shoulder to muffle a cry. For a few minutes, neither moved, unable to care that they were covered in come, and lube, or that Pavel was going soft, or that the sheets would have to be changed if they wanted to sleep. At last, Pavel pulled out, and forced himself up to dispose of the condom.

The empty feeling after being so full seemed so wrong.

Pavel returned to kiss him, and run the towel over the worst of the mess. "Thank you," he said again. "Do you hurt?"

"Sore," Hikaru admitted. He grinned. "Luckily, it didn't last long."

Pavel poked him in the side. "Someone was eager, is all."

"I just wanted to work up to longer romps." Hikaru choked down a giggle on the last word. He felt ridiculous, both of them coming like they had no control over themselves, his ass open, his thighs burning with the effort of keeping them open.

Pavel giggled too, like it was the greatest joke in the world. "Well, I will just have to work harder next time." He wrapped a hand around Hikaru's cock again, and stroked it, a devious look in his eye. "Let's see if you can regain some of your reputation for holding out, yes?"

It was hours before they dragged themselves into the bathroom for showers — sonic, and not as much fun as they were used to having, but at least they were clean — and Pavel changed the sheets. As tiny as the bed was, they found a way to lay together, because neither would sleep if Hikaru went back to his room.

Even then, though, neither slept. "Tell me what you're thinking," Hikaru mumbled, drowsy but curious, head on Pavel's shoulder.

"Nothing that makes sense."

"Tell me."

Pavel tried to shrug, then played with Hikaru's hair instead. "As much as I miss my mama...if she was alive, I would not be in Starfleet. I would be playing piano, like her. It's what she always wanted."

"Why Starfleet, then?"

"I couldn't afford lessons, and Starfleet made it easier to emancipate." He swallowed hard, then kissed Hikaru's forehead. "Upset one piece, though, and we never meet. Isn't that strange?"

"You're going to drive yourself nuts." Hikaru nuzzled his shoulder. "We met, and we're together. The rest is theoretical probability, right? Which has little to do with actual odds." Because sometimes thinking about the real, honest-to-god odds of them ever meeting made Hikaru fear it had all been a crazy dream.

"It happened," Pavel said, like he was reading Hikaru's mind. "That's the important part."

He nodded, and just kissed Pavel. He didn't want to think about anything other than this moment — not what could have happened, or what still could. They could last, and fight to stay together for the rest of their lives, and no one would dare try to separate them if they set their minds to staying, he was sure. Or...not. Which was a thought he tried to banish as soon as it crept up.

A thousand paper cranes were dissolving in the San Francisco drizzle, he knew. A wish for peace, however it may come.

That was enough.


End file.
